Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Factory of Faith

Ever had a feeling that you might be most capable of something,
yet its the thing that you want to do the most?
That moment of believing in the odds?

I'm standing in that cross road now.

It's not always easy to accept reviews/comments/opinions from others
which questions your ability to something that you die to accomplish.
Especially when it contradicts to your heart's desire...

Of course from a 3rd person's view provides a wider prospect,
as a Chinese proverbs says "当局者迷,旁观者清"
(literal translation: person in the situation is blur, while people outside the circle sees the big picture...)
In other words, the person involved in the issue has a more subjective view,
while the ppl standing outside might have a clearer/objective POV...

But it's not entirely true. Sometimes, in some situation, only the person involved himself knows what's best and what's true to himself.
Decisions made my oneself may not entirely be rational...

So, now I'm in a situation where a decision is to be made by me...
I'm gonna be honest, I want to sing this shizz badly...
yet without needing to ask anyone, I knew the responds or reaction beforehand...

"Rock song might not suit you..."
"Your tone is more for ballads or folk songs..."
"It's pretty hard for you to pull a rock song well, cz you're pitchy and unstable vocally..."
"There are more suitable and better candidates to pull off this song..."
"You gotta practise hard then..."

Those comments are entirely true. I have a relatively soft vocal and I had some recent shaky vocals, that even a famous music director asked me to take up vocal lesson for God's sake...
I have some weakness when I sing high pitch as I may divert a little...and now i'm joining a freaking huge competition---finals, it seemed like a huge risk to take.
I might be jeopardize the whole song cz of my shaky vocals....

that doesn't mean I can't improve.

From the statement made above, I was....infact I am thinking negatively.
A good friend of mine told me "Gotta think positively..."
I gave a cold laugh to myself....cz I know if I were to think positively,
the decision I'll be making is not gonna please everyone.

To think JocelynStemilyn kinda positively:

"Soft vocals cant sing rock song? Please refer to Desert Chang (张悬), Tanya Chua蔡健雅, Marie Digby and the one most people like to compare me to...Penny Tai"
"I'll find a guitarist to play for me, so I'll just concentrate singing"
"With God with me, who can be against me?"
"There are many better candidates, but no one knows this song better like I do..."
"Yesh, I shall freaking practise my ass off for the next 2 months"

It's pretty scary I know...
yeah I'm bipolar...

Am I making an irrational decision?
From a technical aspect, it might be...
From an emotional aspect, it might not be...
I haven't come to very clear state of mind yet,
but what I'm really clear deep down now...I know I can pull this off...

Trust me, I still doubt the heck out of myself...
(told you I'm bipolar...)
but still...gotta trust that little instinct inside me...

Maybe if a year ago, if I decide to sing this song,
I might welcome people to slap me and wake me up from my crazy desire....
because back then I know I was rocky as a wrecking ship...

But today,
I've learned and come a long way....
maybe 365 days doesn't seem long, but I've gone through alot of training.
I guess the most significant growth I've experience vocally is singing in Station One Cafe...

And yeah some people laughed the hell off at S1 singers,
cz it is perceived that S1 singers are lousy....
But personally for me, at least so far I've learned to sing LOUDER
with better projection and stamina.
During the 3rd week singing there, I realized the big difference
and I was astonished....

Not a big deal right?

Here's the thing, I've always been building my confidence upon other ppl's opinions.
Even though I know God loves me and made me the way I am,
and I've improved walking away from living under people's view of me...
Still sometimes this feeling still grabs the whole out of me.
And when it does, I get to held up I'll fall into a state of depression.

It is that serious sometimes.
Though so, I've also learned to accept criticism and absorb the constructive ones...

back to this singing issue....
I must really thank ah Zau for being a great companion.
He doesn't pamper me with beautiful bombastic praises but he does provide me the reality check.
and supports me still.
It is hard at times cz we might have clashes of opinions but understanding his point of view,
I know what is to be done...
Practise practise practise.
and could have a back up plan.

To you this might be a teeny mini problem,
but to me it's a huge deal of faith to me.
As how much it's gonna test my faith, strength, belief, and etc....

Quote from Red Hot Chilli Pepper's song...
"I got a factory of faith"

Pretty obvious what decision I'm gonna make,
hehe...what a me...
If I ever stumble and fall along the way,
if everyone doubts me,
I shall look to the one who made me
and gave this talent to me...

For all things are possible in Christ
and I believe in miracles,
I believe in Him. =)
He is my factory my faith!

"Tell your friends, I got a factory of faith...."

Monday, April 23, 2012

Not Born Candy

Stucked, constipated

cant stop thinking about this feeling

Stares and all those voices
keep telling me to loose my focus

i'm falling off the ground
of my own identity
lost and wandering in this candy world i think i'm living in...

Circled by friendly enemies 
Spun around by invisible hands 
and all i feel is nothing, 
feel nothing

I'm no candy bar
wrapped in fancy paper and laces
all I ever wanted is to be asure
of who I meant to be

Even when I'm not born candy
learning to love myself more

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Dayao 2012 - The night of birdie superstardom

OK! So after all the older birds had shared their "peelings" about this glorious event. I too, as the younger bird would like to tell ma story.

Just in case some of you dont know, Dayao is an abbreviation for Da Xing Yao Lan Shou Ge Qu Fa Biao Yan Yi Hui (大型摇篮手歌曲发表演绎会)...and we members of YLS like to call ourselves Birds...you'll understand more as u read along...*chirp chirp*

This year we named our concert I--Sync
cz it sounds like I-Sing
and we also want to express that we share the passion for music and performing with others.
So we synchronize our passion together...
(wow,what a way to put that...)

It took us approximately 4 months to prepare this event.
Being in the committee this year is a whole lot of stress compared to last year
where I was a fresh-innocent-nothing-more-to-do birdie
Ask all those who've been through their 1st years in Dayao...
it was like carefree, spoon-fed, 自由自在times...
because the senior birds would provide us the directions.

But yet this year 
I gotta take up the spoon to feed new birdies.
Dont get me wrong,
I've always wanted to snatch the spoon and feed myself.
but it's a whole lot of hard work and brain cracking.
So its not as fun and easy.
In the whole process of meetings, dispute and solving matters,
I've come to realized that I've grown alot.
Through the struggles between ourselves and among other birds
there's so much human-relation homework to be done.
I'm not saying that I can graduate as a HR degree
but I've definitely learned to be more "slick" in handling issues with humanssssss

Would like to touch a lil bit on the opening act of the night,
if you missed it here it is:
I never ever in a gazillion years knew this would actually work.
Before this, we had some struggles with the dancer head, Pauline
as she had already choreographed a dance routine for the opening which kinda clashed with our initial plan.
So to solve matters, the singer group decided to give in.
We were thinking of slow rock, instrumentals...etc
but none of us seemed enthusiastic enough to fulfill it.

Until one day,
Zau shared a link of a guitarist playing Party Rock Anthem.
It gave me a confident push that we could actually do this! 
and I imagined a scene with accapella to start with...
In my imagination it's an awesome plan!
So I gathered the musicians and we all agreed to do this song (as it was our initial plan muahahaa)
But then we had a problem....not enough time.
Eventually we only practiced like 30mins in a band room.
and the accapella singers did like a few runs only.
And it doesn't seemed like a good plan anymore.
the dancers never worked with us before...it was all separated.

The nerves were coming in and I got all angry-birdie.
On the night before show down,
I finally got everyone from dancer,singers and musicians to gather up
it was tough cz all are exhausted and some facing exams...
So I gave a simple dance routine for all to follow.
It was a mess...
Some even suggested to just let the dancers shuffle.
But I stuck to my plan.

Not trying to brag,
but this is my side of the story.
Sure I would love compliments and praises of how great I've initiate the plan
but I wouldn't be able to done all this w/o the cooperation of everyone.
I've never been confident directing/leading something...
although I LOOKED confident
I've always have a "i'm just kidding" or "没有啦,讲罢了" punchline in the back of every sentence.
But that night when everyone listened to my instructions,
I was almost in tears.
Its like finding back that piece of confidence which I've never had.

So, thank you all who were in the opening act for trusting me
and giving your best shot.

Clearly it was a great success 
and the audience went crazy.
I know its best if we did our own compositions or less dances...
but I felt it was the most appropriate way to kick start the night...
Something that the audience can relate and party together,
Something that was rarely done,
where all of the dancers,singers and musicians just dance-out their nerves for the night.
remind me of high school musical:
we're all in this together....=.='''

It wasn't just a warm up for the audience.
It was a warm-up for all the performers, committee and myself. 

And one more song 
is non other than 纸船 (paper boat)

I've written 6 songs in this concert,
but this song though I have the least participation in it (originally by Cloudfly)
but it meant alot...like ALOT.
I've learned so much throughout the jamming process.

All I wanna say is,
when I was on stage singing this song,
I really felt like flying.
For those who saw me live,
I totally enjoyed every bit of it.
I knew I was gonna dance around the stage (though it wasn't a nice dance eventually)
so I took off my shoes and went bare footed.
and it symbolizes freedom

Yun fei and Jason,
Thanks for being such awesome seniors.
You guys taught me alot in music and tolerated with me when I didnt actually do my homework...
thanks for believing in me. =) 

The only regret of that performance,
was that I forgotten to thank a special person on stage,
that is Jesus Christ.
cz without him, I wouldn't get the inspiration I have now
and wont be in this wonderful family and opportunity.
He deserves a big credit!

Throughout the dayao process, I've found a bunch of people 
who I could carefreely express myself and BE myself.
Cz they really accept me for who I am 
and have been true friends.

Too many people to list down and thank...
sorry if I did not mention you...you'll be in my heart =P

Superman ah Tiu
You truly are a superBIRD. So touched with your ability to withstand all these pressure and burden. Thank you for showing me what is real determination. If I could, i wanna give u a big hug now! XD

Tee Cherli
Touched by your art work. I love it to bits! Thank you for working so whole-heartedly.

Multi-task Hazel
Got to know you more this year, and I gotta say it again, you've improved a gigantic lot! Love your openness towards music and i like your company! You also very sampat one lor...haha. Proud to see you shine on stage.

Thank you for silently sticking to yao lan shou. =) I've always been grateful for having you.

You make me feel warm each time seeing you. There's like a motherly lovingness emitting out of you each time i see you. Thank you for the hardwork

"Lyn ! Lyn ah!" lolz...i secretly like that nickname though. (opps~) You shined more than anything this year. You listened to Farouk's advice and took it on your band. Good job! Keep improving! When wanna do cover??? lmfao

Carmen 笑
Same like your sir name, beneath you there hidden a siao person. hahaa...who likes to 笑 in a funny way. You have a pure heart and doesn't mind helping others. W/o you constantly reminding and posting stuff, i think the production group might have missed alot of things. And your singing is incredible! Love you to bits!

Man Fee's Xin Yi
You another one with pure heart. lolz. Touched by your hardworks. Its not a nice feeling when you're often forgotten as the producer of this event. But I'm glad you stuck up to your responsibilities and I give u credits for it! You're truly Lil Miss Sunshine and you had your moment too. =) stay true to who you are!

My roomie says you look like Faye Wong. lolz. I've always been fond by your firmness in making decisions. Hope you could keep it rolling. haha. There are times where I felt that you've went out of focus but I'm glad you made a great job holding this post, its not easy! Thank you for backing me up too. =)

 Moh Theng HAH!!
Frankly, i'm jealous of you! You've grown so much in arranging and your skills. I believe you could be greater in time to come. You are also another innocent in heart gal, who prefers ppl to say penis rather than ****. So straight to the point and honest. =P Love your company during those stressed moments and all those nights of supper and chitter chats...phew!

BABY Guo Jing
haha! Though we seldom hang out and summore separate bands, but you've always give me this carefree feeling. haha. I'm impressed with the way you handle your band B. You guys did a perfectly well job. Every song was at its potential. =) Continue to write songs too!

Pauline Kpop
My bro kept saying u looked like Ga-in. hohoho. haha. At first I was pretty stressed out wit your determination to not change the opening dance. I considered you stubborn. But then, your point proved you right! I was impressed with the dances, and believe me I got all teary eyed when I saw your performances. It spelled hardwork. Sorry for my misconception though. Keep it up!

Japheth's YaShan 
I was dreadfully expecting myself to be the actress of 台北的街 mv! But then I have to shoot it so...yeah. ahah...but you did a fantastic job. I was like wow all the time I was shooting you. You have a photogenic smile which could make ppl stop and go WOW. ahah. You're a great person to hang out with. (japheth too...=P)

Bojio Cher Wei
I'm so happy for you as you finally redeemed yourself! I know there were some who doubted you, even i myself did. Yet your hardwork paid off! Keep the singing fire burning. Start writting more songs yeah =)  Thank you for always being there.

My partner in crime, Ying Chao
Zabor!! Your lyrics are getting better and better. Thank you for being so inspiring and supportive. Though we dont usually hang out but I love the connection between us. (Sampai buy same dress,aduhai) And i'm glad that you have the chance to shine in your own style this year. Hope we can write more songs in the future. =)

New bird Seng Zhi

You are a very talented guy. Thank you for coming back. =) 

Jared crazybird
You shocked me and impressed everyone of the night. Love that fire burning in ya! Thank you for being the next ah foo...in a more pop way. opps~

Raymee fierce-face-but-soft-heart
So grateful to have you in my band. You are one great talented drummer. Hope you could get a new set of drums soon! And keep improving,you'll be great! Thanks for being patient with me and sticking up for me many times. And though we had some dispute before but your openness helped to  put our friendship back together. Willl definitely miss you!

Jason handsome-japanese-face-but-strict-guy
Do I have to say that you are awesome? Awesome in leading the band and having all these ideas in your mind. And all your hardwork listening to diff kinda songs and creating something your own. Indie rocks! This will be the last last time we find u for help lar. Thanks for all the great experience. Hope to share more moments with OIC throughout my music journey. =)

Omg, you are the Jeremy Lin of UM! I rmb when I wasn't so sure about your bass ability...i was worried. But then when you came in and did your thing...you blew me away. You have a great gift and i hope you'll continue to use it for God's glory. =) hope you'll stick with us next year! 

King of all birds Mi Zen
You are like a daddy already lo...upgrade liao. XD Seriously I'm very touched by your love for yls and willingness to join in the young bird's nest. HAHA. no lar, just that you are very 亲民, like Lim Guan Eng. omg what am i talking about? Thanks for constantly reminding us stuff and giving us the space to grow our wings. =)

Chili padi Pei Wen
You dont say much,but you're always there! Thank you so much! You're like a big sis. =) And I've always love the way you dress. teehee!

Malcolm and Pou Pou
Thanks for all the great pictures and company. Know that you guys are busy with work/master, but taking time to do mv and take pics for us, thats awesome! I've always enjoyed your company and humour =)

Siang Xi
You ar....so strict. lolz. Thanks for teaching me alot about music and composing. I've changed alot of my perspectives and learned from my mistakes. I guess you're the few who always listens to my raw compositions eh? haha...Thanks a million!

Xinyi's Man Fee
You've improved! Too bad its your last year. but keep the guitar fire burning! Its time to write songs for xin yi! ahhaha

Neng See
You know, I almost cried when i saw you playing the drums back in Seikan's band room. You've played so much better. and sang greater. lolz. Someday i'll see you on tv? and maybe Rock corners?

Jie Yao
At 1st, I really sipek tak syok you de...Always comparing us with USM...but then when getting to know you in band C, I've come to understand you more. And you're actually not as bad as I thought. =) Hope we can work together soon. great stuff  u have there.

Keen Long & Daryl
Know that you two are busy yet took the time and effort to join us. Thanks! Love hanging out with you guys...yamcha more together...haha

Young birdies (you know who you are =P)
Keep it up ok!  I can see you all are a bunch of talented ppl! keep improving, upgrading, whatever it takes to be better. Keep the passion for music =) (gosh speaking like a mom)


Glad that you shined too this year and unleashed your R&B vocals! Happy for you! thanks for all the reminders and care for us younger birds

Kar hui
Thanks for all the effort you put in. All the travelling and fetching. It's time to change to a better babe yea? heheh

You are like a mom. lolz. ok...stop that. Same thing, you've been like a big sis to us and you're actually very funny! I'll still see you around next year right? XD

Ming Liang and Winson (and crew)
A big THANK YOU! and one more: You guys are incredible duo of adobe after effects genius!!

the Productive Non-production group (mandy, shinyee,danny,ken,jolynn,milo,my,peixing....)
Thank you for sticking to yls and you guys did a great job. Like seriously. Couldn't be more impress that ever! Hope to see you guys around next year. =) 

YB Wong Cung Zau
I guess if all of the world doubt me, 
you will be the only one who will stand by me
Thank you for countless nights talking me through the hard times and praying for me...
Love you to pieces! 

OMG....my blog so long dy. So long winded.
Its not the end for all of us. Our music journey wont end at Dayao as well. 
This is just a lil spark in the flame thats about to come!!
There's more to learn and more to be discovered.

Nothing much but gratefulness in my heart. 

We owned the night. =) 

After this superstardom night,
I know I've stepped a lil closer to my dreams.
Not just mine, but His.
God answered my prayers in the most humorous ways.
Just when I thought I would be in the west,
He placed my in the most humble place --->UM.
Just when I fantasized of singing in the streets of New York,
here I am starting off with a bunch of birds.

I know one step at a time,
I'll get there in no time.

photo credits to:
Choong Fai