Thursday, September 30, 2010

You're Such A Mystery


All I can see is your shining ray
hitting on my anxious heart bay...

You're such a mystery
Like the sun hidden amidst the clouds
All I can see is your shining ray,
hitting on my anxious heart bay.

I wanna dive in
deeper into that ocean of mystery.
Who are you inside?
Could I ever find myself within the tides?

But the more I push through
the more I'm losing you.......

You're such a mystery
if only I own the key
to unlock that treasure case within...
*unfinished lyrics...

Monday, September 20, 2010

Today was a fairytale-less

I realize,
I have issues when it comes to comparing and competing.
Maybe in a group of people, there seems like no competition,
but inside of me,
I tend to compare with others.

Especially when it comes to things that I do well most...
Acting,dancing and music.

I cant help but to feel that way.
Urgh, how I wish I'm not such a person.

Today,
in my vocal test,
and during my drama performance practise,
I was compared by my teacher and director to other actors.

I got a 'C' for group presentation,
and negative comments from the director.
and also a slight critism from a friend, regarding my coming performance.

This whole Mooncake Festival performance means so much to me,
I was wishing dearly that everyone in CG or UM could come and watch.
I really wish that my friend could understand how important their support is to me...

.......

Throughout the 2 months of our preparation for this perf,
my partner and I had been working so hard to analyse and build out character.
We practise our walking patterns, actions and emotions as well...
though we are just supporting cast, but we still worked our Ass off...
though secretly I wish I could take a leading role, but still I'm grateful for this role.
We seldom receive comments or critism or praises or whatever from the directors......

I was kinda frustrated cz I thought we were kinda...neglected I guess...
See, here comes my comparing attitude...
Then today, out of all the days...on this day where I performed with all my heart,
I finally got critisized.

I wonder I should be happy or sad... *huh...*
Finally some attention from the director, but in the end, he compared us to other characters....
we were just not good enough.

My partner and I was devastated....
I wish I could tell you what we went through in short but its hard...
all I can say is, there was too many uncertainties for our character that we cant build a right character for ourselve...
and now we are being critisized and compared...I'm just...disspointed and confused

I wonder what I did wrong?
I anticipated in every scene, I gave my all...
I throw in all my emotions, as if I really live in that story...
But to the directors eyes, I did nothing....

Same thing,
I acted out everything during my group presentation test...
I thought I gave all my focus and strength....
but in the end... all I get was a 'C' ...
and a cold stare from Miss James....

I wish my friend could come to support me,
but in the end,
I got a bucket of cold splased water on my face...
wow...

I cant stop comparing!
I cant stop feeling jealous and envious!
I cant stop myself from feeling like a loser!

... ... ... ...

But I know I couldnt give up
and feel down.
Let the tears drop however they want...
it doesnt mean that I'm weak and gonna fall...

Instead,
I'm gonna do my double best more...
so I could shock those people and make their glasses fall someday.
This is just the beggining of my fight...
my fight for my passion.

I'm so grateful for a bunch of friends who cared for me.
After 2 months of training, we actors have became like family members.
I was touched by their support and word of encouragements...
there's just so much warmth and support.

They made me believe that I could work this role out...
and they'll be there to help me.

Just as I thought my day would end dreadfully...
they gave a dramatic twist to the ending of the story...

I'm just thankful.

GAMBATAE JOCELYN!!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Enjoy the View

My hometown, Perlis.
A place I'm very proud of.
Despite the absence of the must-have McD and big shopping complex,
I can live without those,
and I love NATURE!
You dont get the magnificent sky view in KL
You dont get the fresh, non poluted air in KL
You dont have to plan your journey an hour ahead to reach to another destination,
there's not much jam,
and food taste good and cheap!
Though KL have something great to offer,
but there are some things it just cant give.
I guess, that's what makes me miss Perlis all the time.
especially the clouds in the sky.
Sit at the rocky beach.
Enjoy the view.

Friday, September 10, 2010

When Will I Ever Learn???

I just dont know what to say....
I'm feeling down and if I post something emo on facebook,
dad would ask me to be more private, friends would further think i'm an emo person,
and he would...maybe not give a damn.

So, I'll just blurt things out in blogger.
Whatever you wanna say about me...
I jus wanna get some release of my feelings here...
so skeptics....back off...

I'm tired of caring about what others might think...
what I say might affect them...
and I have to constantly talk with caution....

I know I sounded a lil selfish here...
but I just hope... I could speak 100% my mind out...in a good way.
I'm just not the kinda person who can put word beautifully in manner...

When I like someone I'll just tell
what's with all the hide and seek games?
When I dont feel nice about something,
if I cant tell it straight to that person, somehow no matter how hard I try to cover,
the disspoinment always slips through my eyes...

Oh when can I stop being such a hipocrite?
when can I learn to speak my mind out...CLEARLY???

When, can I learn that crushes are hopeless
and they meant to make u clash and die hard inside....??

Saturday, September 4, 2010

What A Merdeka Day [Part 2]

So...
right after Broga Hill, got invited to join Caleb and the gang on another merdeka outting.
Little did I know, it was actually a photography class!
haha...
But before that we went to grab some roti canai...
which was really good...
like...one of the best I've tasted so far...
too bad there was no pics...
we were all hungry...
ANYWAYS...
it rained! which was such a bummer....argh
so we rode in the car around and around and around the city...
(and the round about for 3 times...thanks to Caleb)
In the end, we decided to go ....
IKEA
And instead of exploring furniture...
guess what???
we played did our photography class there
and played monopoly deal.
.
.
.


What??
yeah...this is how you should react.....=.=
But it was fun times....haha
maybe cz we are all funny ppl???
While Wen Sen taught Robin and Caleb basic photography 101...


Silvia, intensively into her bejeweled game...
click click click....


Then we started out monopoly game.
It was my 1st time playing a card game of it...
very refreshing and interesting.
BUT...I was surviving the game rather than winning it...
guess my heart was somewhere else in papers and ink.

Did some sketches and drawings.
Somehow in a situation which seemed weird and mundane,
I found inspiration =)


Hunting for a place for dinner...
while the guys got carried away with the cams....
I had a great time catching up with Silvia...

She's like a big sis...
we have somethings in common too...eg: we love Criminal Minds!! =D
Most of all, she's someone I can relate to and not feel intimidated at the same time
=) some elder ppl gives me the creeps sometimes...

She's cool =P

Snapped by Caleb...
lol...nice pose there....

I wonder does all photographer really dislike appearing on pics?

Snapping everywhere!!!
even inside the eCurve...but its a norm...
You snap me, I snap you, he snap you....
what a camera love triangle. =D

Finally we settled down at Popeye's...
my husband's restaurant!
haha... =P

Even during dinner...
snaps and monopoly frenzy continued....

... ...
oh boy...what can I say? hehe
*
*
Though we didnt get to go somewhere bizarre or picturesque to snap pics or hang out...
but...it was a fulfilling day....
aiseh.
I had a great time of fellowship with Caleb, Silvia, WenSen and Robin.
Somehow....hanging out with them was different.
I dont know whether it's a compliment or a complaint...

I clearly just felt...like its not what I usually experience
while hanging out with other friends.
haha....sounds kinda creepy saying that...

Anyhow,
I'm grateful and delighted.
The whole 31st of August was a different experience,
a out-of-the-cliche way of celebrating it...
I felt so "merdeka" in me...

Most of all,
despite all the negativity around me,
I'm still thankful to be a Malaysian.
Malaysia is a great country.


Pray for our nation!!