Monday, March 29, 2010

Turning Point 2

HUUU,what a roller coaster ride.
These 3 days has been really rough yet fruitful. All the tears and laughter,it's worth it all
As many would know how much I wanted to join the YWAM disciple training school,
sadly I'll have to put that thought down for the time being.

I realized I broke down 3 days ago was not because of something that happened in one night,
but it's because of how I look at myself for all these years.
Never really once I credit myself for being good though people may say it's good.
When people praise me, I'll feel like they might just say it to make me feel better...
I tend to not see myself in God's eyes.
I see myself through others... that sucks.

So year by year,
day by day...
these thoughts and -ve perception takes the hold of me...
and lately this 3 months, all the stress and incidents had caused me to the edge ...

and I broke down.

It was...a great relief.
Funny...but true.
Like every dirt just washed along with my tears...

and I'm really blessed to have such great friends to stand by me...
to just be there to lift me up
and remind me about God's love.
Like Serene said "All things happen for a reason"
so this doesnt happen for nothing...
it actually brought me closer to God. Which is one thing I seriously needed now.
I'm so dried out till I didnt realized how serious it was...

But things had changed.
I'm gonna grow more and continue to push through all this.
I know I'll still have that sucky "you're not good enough","you're not important enough" thought...But i'll have to clean that up sooner or later...
Totally destroy that thinking...and feel confident of myself.

Thank you to all of you out there who prayed and supported me...
especially Chuck,Henna and's always about my probs...
and you guys never minded to listen.
I love you gals all the way!!

Now it's time to pack up....
and leave on a jet....bus. =)
I'm leaving TOWN!! Weeee!!!
still countless turning points to do...
Thanks Darian for letting me steal ur title.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Cheer up

You are a precious creation of God.
No one can change your value......
No one can bring you down.


I wonder when will be that "next time"?

Saturday, March 20, 2010


Dear ***,
I really dont know how to express this well,
but thank you so much for putting up with me all this time.
You'd been a pleasure all this time and I really appreciate your love and care for me.
If there's a chance to return you a favour I would gladly do so...

Really wished the situation is not like this right now...
somehow, we just gotta take a step at a time...
I wish you well. Thank you so much for everything.


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Astray (Original)

I wanna hold you closely to my heart

and feel ur heartbeat tightly next to mine.

I wanna hug you like there's no tmr

I will give you every breath of mine

Will you hear me from the other side?

It's been so long and I just cant deny

You'd been a joy and pleasure all this time

This feeling for you it just cant subside...

Oh yougot my head over heels

Oh you took my heart away

We may be oceans apart but come what may

There may be a lot of prices we have to pay

But oh darling let us leave this world behind

be here to stay, dont ever go astray

Dont ever go astray...
I need you now


The song is here:

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Turning Point

Its time to change my mindset.
I'd been lingering and "dipped" in self pity for this whole 3 months.
After what had happened and suck out most of me...
I unconsciously gave in the dark side, to just let all those negativity take the whole of me
and let those emotions becoming a habit...a bad one.

Until today, was watching Joel Osteen on TV,speaking about self value.
Immediately the title just stroke my heart, like "hey,it's about you Jocelyn"
and then came the slapping on the face part. It was a great time of healing...internally.

I realized,
I cared too much for what people have to say about me
I judged myself according to what others judged me...
Living under the judgement of others would only bring forth low self esteem,self pity and destruction to our inner being.
We gotta know and truly truly acknowledge that no matter what, God will always forgive us.
He will always redeem us from sin, and most importantly LOVE us...
We might not be valueble to others. But he cares and has more than what others could offer.

I felt so stupid. I felt just absurd for blaming myself.
for squandering in self pity and shame.
I felt so worthless,as if I do not deserve to be loved by God anymore.
Like a hypocrite.

But He never gave up on me.
He placed so many wonderful people around me...always lending a shoulder to hold my heavy head.
He placed people to allow me to notice my weaknesses and flaws. So that I may learn and improve from time to time.
He allows my friend to say reject my invitation for a drink,so that I would sit in front of the TV,accidentally flip to the GoodTV channel and listen to His word...

I'm sorry for saying so much negative things here. Anyone who is reading this and read some previous post, I would like to apologize for all the negative ions I'd released here.
There are enough negative ions emitting from your PC, some more you'll have to bare with my negativity...yieks...sorry.

But I'd learn things,the hard usual.
Someone as hard headed and "cow" like me should need some pain to trigger some sense in this brain of mine. LOL
Like my dad always say "When there's no way left to change a man, God will have to use pain ad suffering to grab our attention"
and I have to go through that... =P

No matter how a hundred dollar is squashed or wrinkled,
it's value will still remain the same.
SO no matter how I was crushed or rejected or...however you describe it in life....
my value in God will still remain the same.
I'll still be the apple in God's eyes...specially hand picked by Him to become what He wants me to be...

When I acknowledge that,
Allow Him to take control of my life and be dependent of Him...
Slowly He will lead me to my dreams and
I'll be like a bright star shining for of it's kind.
It aint easy to wake get the blurness out of sight.
But God has his special way to get me fixed up.
Thank you Lord.
Still at shocked condition after the message...

Saturday, March 13, 2010

After some weeks...

Just as I thought I cant write a song anymore...

Says who?

Thank you Lord!

Friday, March 12, 2010

No Joke, I need out.


Does anyone ever cares?
When I take a step it, I'll get myself really hurt.

This whole month is sucking my whole mental,emotional being OUT.
One thing comes after another, and now I got myself into a new one.
Wow is just what comes to mind.

Seriously, I'm loosing myself.

I need fresh air.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

My Lovely Buddies

One tragedy can break someone down.
One catastrophe will make one realize the other sides of life...
One lil thing happened that made me see through the ugly hearts of men...
cant believe there's more than one DUDU around me...WTH?

Anyhow,no matter how many DUDUs there are around me...
I surprisingly realized,all my best pals are out there,all over the world! FAR AWAY from meeeee.
Gosh I'm missing you guys like crazy. =(

Last night,for the 1st time after DUDU back stab incident...I reluctantly went out with the gang...
the gang with alot of...sides....
a circle of friends alot of controversy.
Anyway, the best time was during our way home after karaoke.Sitting in ZH's car,with HY along,speeding 125km/h at the 2a.m empty road....
Rolled down the windows, shouting everything inside...WOOO...that was swell...
wish I could do that again.

Only ZH and HY makes me feel like myself. Though sometimes HY gets really irritating in a way,but he is the one that make crazier things possible. He is the only one who loves to talk religion with me.He reads al-Quran,Buddhist religious books and also the BIBLE.Quite guilty for making him my bean bag all the time.
ZH,without question is like the good Samaritan. Always helping people out whenever he can. Even if he cant, he miraculously finds time. He is such a dear buddy. Very true to every friend. I really envy his energy to care for all his friends. He is simply sincere and true. But sometimes he gets too caught up with every friend, I tend to step back a lil. oh well...
The 3 of us can just spit spat,chit chat for hours non stop. W/o you two, i wonder I would last a second with DUDU&Co....

Henna,Serene,Chuck! Thinking about you guys already makes me wanna cry. I miss the time where we cycle by the paddy fields, investigate the death of some unknown cat, staying over for days at each other's house, sneak at the middle of the night for cookies cz we are so hungry for chit chatting for hours! And most importantly...I miss the DYNAMIC power when 4 of us UNITE! It's like no one could stop us from tearing the place it the shopping mall,food court or our own houses.... You guys are always there for me, every time when I'm down. I guess you are the only people that I wont be scared to approach when I needed help. I wont feel insecure of what you guys might think of me. Just because, you are so so honest to me. It might hurt at the beginning,but in the end I'm grateful for the uplifting advice you guys gave me. Most of all, I miss the HUGs you gals gave me. It is the most true HUG I can ever get. and maybe some kisses... =P
Gosh, i'm going teary writing this...

Dylan. Buddy,still reading this? well,it's been quite some time since we met. You are in jb/singapore, and i'm in the other end of the country. You said i kinda make u Topsy turvy, well u make me feel like a precious person. =) Though we have our own lives to live, yet u never fail to listen to me. And of course, give me that SARCASTIC comment of yours. But i like that sarcasticness, though it may get on my nerves sometimes. It's true and like a slap on the face. However,sometimes I get confused by your sweet words, cz frankly I do doubt whether those are from the heart or just for the moment. Still, its my own insecurity issue,so not your fault though. Thanks for making me feel treasured.

Annie! The one with most rational,practical yet uplifting advice. Whether it's talking camera, people, have that incredible ability to analyse everything with such wisdom and maturity. I'm always blown away by your wisdomatic words. It's so sharp that it penetrates through the fakeness of this world. I like to hear u analyse people's behaviour, cz it'll allow me to see things from different perspective. Best is, I enjoy every moment talking,communicating with you. Anyway,thank you for opening up to me. Knowing more about your background gave me a better understanding of every action you took before.

Jas.K. Gal,how could I ever forget you? We knew each other since 10 years old but started bonded at 16. You are one very honest person indeed. You speak what comes to your mind and just make me so vulnerable..LOL...not very accurate to describe myself though. Anyway,love the fact that she always takes time out to meet and drive me to anywhere and everywhere! Love the time where we just sit in the car by the sea side,talk politics,psychology...=) She is just like a big sister who loves adventure and bold. I envy her courages spirit to speak out and stand up for her friends.

Adrian Laz. Wonder if he's reading this? LOL,doesnt matter anyhow. Very grateful to know him, another sarcastically humorous, dynamic and again truthful friend. Gosh, I realized most of my buddies are a good way. Though we didnt know each other for long, but I can always connect with him. Like the movie avatar,where the Navi use their hairs to connect to trees and horses...LOL. Seriously, you make me laugh. I may have a hard day but your very skeptical kinda looks is just amusing. LOL...see ,I cant even stop "LOL-ing" right now. As i get to know you, I realize you have a very serious side too. Behind the craziness of you, there's depth and maturity. Yes, I admit I thought you were just a typical crazy person. But hey, you have something going inside your "nasty" brain.When it comes to friendship with "foreign people", I really try to put in effort cz who knows it may be our last time meeting (live) with each other? Hope this friendship would last for long.I really thank you for being there for me these days. =)

The mamak trio members, HanC and Jack. I miss the days we just sit at Irfanah,our fav mamak,killing time. It's the best memories I have in IBM. HanC never gets tired of listening to me.Felt kinda sorry to buzz too much things at her sometimes. She has this poetic thing going on. Words she says are sentimentally meaningful. She is very tolenrent and caring. She witness everything that has been going on between me and DUDU, she is my comrade in IBM! =) Mr.Jack, silly and one nerve gone in his brain. Gosh, another crazy buddy. He is the best PR i'd ever seen in my life! From the bread salesgirl to the auntie who sells curry mee to the cleaning uncle of our school, he knows like practically everyone in town. And he is really good at making new friends. Though he may be practical ie selfish at times, still, he is one gentlemen. Always making sure HanC and I enters the hostels before he does. Always "stalking" us from opposite and reminding us it's time to sleep instead of chit chatting till morning breaks...he's like a brother...lil brother...=P

Wow,I'd written so much. Gosh.
I guess I have too many things in my mind for everyone. Just not enough time.
I wish I could have all the money in the world, travel to every corners to visit these precious people in my life. Some friendships has been for 19++years. Some not even 6 months.
Yet, I know these people are true and sincere. As I write this, I realize honesty has been a number one criteria in my life. Well, like the bible says "The truth will set you free" LOL...

Dad says "Nothing happens by chance but by the will of God". Yeap. I believe knowing these people under different situations are definitely not a coincidence. But they are all special gifts from God. =) I may be surrounded by wolves, but outside that ring, I have my comrades waiting to give me that leave those wolves...

Gonna go to work...meeting those naughty lil angel devils...LOL. I think Ill write about them someday. =)

Monday, March 8, 2010

Psalm 69

Psalm 69 "Save me,oh God"

1.Save me,O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
2.I sink in deep mire,
where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
and the flood sweeps over me.
3.I am weary with my crying out;
my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim
with waiting for my God.

13.But as for me, my prayer is to you,
Oh Lord,
at an acceptable time, O God,
in the abundance of your steadfast love
answer me in your saving faithfulness.
14.Deliver me from sinking in the mire;
let me delivered from my enemies
and from the deep waters.

19. YOu know my reproach,and my shame and my dishonor;
my foes are all known to you.
20.Reproaches have broken my heart,
so that I am in despair.
I looked for pity but there was none,
and for comforters but I found none.

29. I am afflicted and in pain;
let your salvation, O God, set me on high
30. I will praise the name of God with a song
I will magnify him with thanksgiving who seek God,let your hearts revive.
33. For the Lord hears the needy and does not despise his own people
who are prisoners.

After so long, I finally sat down for my devotion.
It was that exact time, I felt strongly GOd wants me to join dts...
Before that...I gave up on that thought, thinking it's impossible to go back. I mean RM17k is joke. And seeming my dad spent like more than RM1000 on my taiwan and U.S uni application...I really cant bare to ask money from him anymore.
And I know,my parents would definitely disallow me to join dts.

But this crazy time,
should I give it a shot? or maybe it's just another gusto of irrationalism?
2 different voices, to go or not to go....
I believe in the 1st but...somehow somethings are just pointing me to the 2nd one...
time is running out...
O God only you can save me.

James 1:2-4
"Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds. For you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it's full effect that you may be perfect and complete,lacking in nothing."

Rejoice Jocelyn. No matter what happens....rejoice


Sunday, March 7, 2010


Don't know what to say...
But I got tonnes to blurt out...
Still dont know how to say...

Do you hear me talking to you?
Across the water,across the deep blue ocean
under the open sky...

I'm so stress,so anxious,so mad at myself
that my big temper making it's come back...

I need a hug

Saturday, March 6, 2010

A Crazy Gal

Chopin...a guy who writes poems on piano...
Geez why am I getting so nostalgic melancholic now?
Cz I'm in a freaking out mode. Thats how crazy Jocelyn can be

You know...
all buzzed up with words while her heads spins in thousands lil imaginary circles
then she'll start talking incessantly with her poor mediocre vocab
trying to sound like the female version of chopin,only not on the piano...
but with silly thoughts....
Imaginary ones...

Oh yes....Jocelyn is one hell of a big dreamer.

She dreams of going to U.S.
Having her 1st life degree there...finding her fantasy dreams there
Though people gave her stares...disbelieve opinions...
They laughed at her...saying she had a WILD and STUBBORN heart...
always wanting the fantasies in life for herself.
Not thinking for others....
But Jocelyn...oh Jocelyn,being as crazy as always...
kept going for it.
She pressed the google wikipedia for all Universities in U.S....
She finally got it....applied for SAT test...though she had no clue how is it like...
She thought she just need to get some simple application things done then she's good to go....
What I didnt mention is that Jocelyn has this incredibly naive heart...
frankly speaking its....more like....stupid.
Cz she doesnt know...a mountain of complecations awaits her...awaits to devour every single of her energy and cash....

Then we have Taiwan Uni....
It's not her 1st choice but seeming going to US might not be a sure thing...
she had to go for 2nd choice....and also it's for her parent's sake.
Since it's cheaper and filming education there is way better than Malaysia...why not?
it seems like a great here she is...applying for Taiwan National Uni of Arts....
Again....naively...she finds out that there's actually needs for medical check ups and cert translations....
Cert translation is not something new...but it freaks her head out....
Why? Cz the last time she did that...she had to translate every single one of her certificate and pay about 10o dollars just for that damn fat lady to press her red inked chop on each certificate...
As if strength she raised her hands and nails cost like 1 dollar per mili second...
URGH.....and it's an hour drive away....GREAT...

Local Uni...
She really couldnt help but to not wanting to apply for it.
But she had to be realistic and practical...yeah thats the word ppl had been pressing on her all the time....she HATEs that...but what to do?????????
It's like a safe if all else fails...there's still a local uni to go for...
Now...things get complicated when there's interviews,auditions....
and she gotta send all her details within 10 days...
now her friends starts to remind her about her mistake for writing the wrong serial number....
which she had lost it like ages ago....where the heck to dig that out?????
And for the music auditions, she neeeds to practice for Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata...
Dance's 1 traditional dance and 1 modern dance....
Drama clue.... exciting.... =S

At last we have....Disciple Training School.
She wished that time would just stop right now and every penny will fall from the sky.
"What if....?" "If only..." all these are going through her mind....
She needs to find that 1st love with God the time she would just open 100% to him...
She's been closing herself up the whole 2009...she knows there's something wrong...
she gotta get back...and she knows deeply...this is her only shot...
It's not excuse....maybe there's another option....She's freaking out
She's totally confused and gonna breakdown anytime....
But hell no,she cant be meak at this time....
With all 3 things rushing towards her...emotions are....out of the question.
She looks through the airplane tickets pages helplessly....
Secretly search through the training school webpage....
Having silly run away ideas going in her head....
I guess poor Jocelyn is just....desperate to breakout....
I think she really need to do something totally crazy than the crazy things she did before...
Break her history record and ...soar with God like never before.
Jocelyn you are one crazy lil creature...

Friday, March 5, 2010

Amy Kuney

Amy Kuney
One of my fav youtube voices.
It's not like typical shouting/powerful voices
with vibratos and sopranos
But a soothing antidote
to a lonely soul
Her low and heavy tone
brings alot of deep interpretation into her songs
Her covers of other artiste's songs
are simply superb
She totally made another song her own.
Love her version of "Happy"
by Leona Lewis.
Instead of the high,climatic version like Leona
(I love Leona too btw...)
Amy Kuney turned that song soft,
yet make you feel like dancing slowly to it
It's like swaying with grace,
in still waters.
With waters running through your fingers,
little waves swifting to the piano melodies.
*there goes my overabused of words again*
She's another great voice,
another talented musician.
Most importantly...
She's another inspiration
a very big one.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


I'm hopeless.
Hopeless in need of love.
Hopelessly useless...
Hopelessly desperate devastated.

We are taught to have hig self-esteem
but the more people pay credit to me...
I start doubting myself

The more I like someone
I'll reluctantly turn away from them
keep a distance so he wont notice.
But inside I'm craving he would talk to me

I just cant escape from feeling this way
Feeling the need to be love and to love
I dont have the chance to get a hug from someone
that I'll be secure to throw my arms around and maybe...fall asleep

What am I thinking?
My devastation shows...and it's so pathetic.
so pathetic.
But ... I know this waiting process is a test.
Some kinda training from beloved Abba father.

All this while,
the guy I crushed/liked never felt the same way for me
I believe when that day
when both of us felt the same for each other...
it's gonna be....???
I dont know what word to describe

Well, in Jocelyn's history of pathetic crushes...
Never once I cried for a guy except for this previous one.
Let's just call him "Dudu"...yeah sounds so dumb and silly but it fits perfectly well for him...
Never once I got my heart so broken by someone so close to me
betrayed and fake...I cant believe I'd fall for someone so "poisonous"
While I felt so close to him, I didnt know that he actually...stab me with a knife from behind...
Never once I cried for a guy...
and thinking back...those tears were never worth shed...
He deserves not my tears...BULLSHIT....

and worse is...I cant even confront him...
acting like nothing ever
Jocelyn,since when you are so fake as well?
I guess we all live in a fake world
maybe this planet never even exist??? maybe we are not real...
the food we eat are just plastic and air...mix with mud...
WTH was I rumbling about???

I need to leave this bunch of people and
go somewhere else...
away away from this drench
away from this circle that is like mud contaminated
away from him.
I need to breakaway

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

My Life As A Music Teacher

Everyday,I teach piano...
watching kids playing can be very amusing
or sometimes sleepy.
I dont like to point out every single note or mistakes they make
instead I prefer to let them figure out
those mistakes themselves

Then as usual,
I'll look out to the window beside me,
admiring the incredibly hot sun,
passing-by cars...
But what I love doing most is
observing the people from above,
every move and gesture,its intriguing!
The best thing is they wont notice my presence.
I witness,
*the excitement in lil kids eyes when their parents send them for music class
*the reluctance of teenage youths to enter tuition class
*young in the world of their own.
*some fanatic trying to stalk young gals,sitting in his pathetic small car...
*the same old grocery shop owner,sitting boringly on the motorbike outside his shop,
awaiting that monkey that stoled his chips.
Then at night I have music kids class...JMC,JExC
This is when all the headache and joy comes in
The fun part...dancing with them...
Hear their laughters,see their smiles...
It's contagious!
Makes me 10 years younger...
Heartache and headache comes
when you see the selfish side of their parent...
pushing them limitlessly to the edge...
just to be the best kid in the class..
Pain in the heart.
They are just kids...below 8 years old
How could they ever manage to act like a 18 years old?
Learning music should be fun and exciting
not competition and stress...
worst is when kids shed tears.
Makes me wanna spank their parents.
some kids deserves some spanking...
cause they are spoiled by parents
thus,they rebel and act like kings...
and I'll have to be the bean bag for them to punch on...
Owh my my...
What exciting life I have in yamaha music school...

Well,look at the bright side
at least I can have free violin lessons..
be the next VIVALDI!!!
*chokes chokes*