Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Semi Solitary Life

Sitting in the library,
alone sitting on the red squared couch,
reading love novel "Dear John" by famous writer Nicholas Spark...
For a minute I raised my head and realized...
this really isnt me.

Jocelyn is the kind that is loud,
surrounded by friends, seldom alone except during her sleep,
reading the latest camera magazines...
For that instance I was surprised,
why would I walk in the library alone to read such a novel in the 1st place???

Since coming in to University Malaya,
I learned to build a wall between me and people.
Its not a good thing, but it aint bad too.
I was too naive before to allow people to manipulate and take advantage of me,
now I have to learn to be firm but gentle at the same time.
So that I wont be exploited.

But building a wall is not easy either.
I cant help myself to stop talking about me..the inner me....
I guess i'm just hoping that someone would understand me...
someone would at least CLICK (there i use that word, which i try NOT to use...)
someone who would share the joy and sorrow...

I'm facing a major crossroad in my life.
Whethere I should continue pursuing greener pastures in overseas,
or should i just be contented?

But seriously, I"M NOT...
One time of a let down aint gonna break my dream off...
Im still on a fight...
but this fighter needs a willing ear to listen to her cries...
just somebody to offer a warm hug.

I need somebody who I'm not afraid to show my own flaws.

Dont get me wrong, I'm not being anti-social
but in this new perspective of my life,
I'm beginning to learn to be socially independent.
learning to lead a semi-solitary life

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Finding my Roots

I'm so glad that God is always faithful. He truly watches out for me.

I was so pissed. Pissed about many things. For not being good enough, for being a jealous whore over anything and everything, for not doing enough for my besties...for being IMPERFECT among the imperfects. I was disapointed with myself.

And, I feel like I'm losing myself again. Going back to the depress old days again. But just 15minutes ago...as I was skeptically flipping through my devotional book (ah,bad role model) , today's passage strongly caught me offguard.

Started with proverbs 27:8 " Like a bird that wanders from its nest, so is a man who wanders from his place"

Pastor Kevin Loo (author of this book) mentioned
"Whenever you are at a point of losing yourself, stop to think and pray. Speak to God. Nothing can be as dangerous as a man who cannot find his way home. Once you have drifted away from home/God, you will find yourself drowning in exhaution,depression and security (oh geez...bang!!)

"Always come back to the Father for He is your source of identity and security.Be at peace for you have found your home in the Lord. He always believes in you no matter what you have done."

At that moment...I realized how wrong I was to let my anger overtake me. But it happened for a reason cz I learned my lesson. Cant help to feel so overwhelmed and touched by His teachings. God was talking to me through his words, so clearly and plain to see...like the sharp sword piercing through *shing! ...ok enough with the drama...=.=

Lol...I just dont know how to express my gratitude now. I'm just so thankful and happy now.
Truly, I dont deserve to get such attention and love but still He gave. Haha...sounds cliche huh? but its from my heart. I'm just overwhelmed. huhuhu~

Uni's activity is gonna get the best of me...I believe i'm gonna be wear out if I dont watch my steps, its so easy to be drifted away. So, i'm gonna hold on tight to my roots while I fly...at least I know I'll land on the right spot even if I fall down.

Thank you father, its such a blessing tonight. =)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Getting Back Up. Refresh.

Finally back to bloggie...hmm pretty nice name to name it...bloggie...=P

Well, after the incident falling from cloud 9, i guess i should give some updates here...
Sadly, dad decided to not let me go to US...and we all know cz it's the financial problem. But one thing mom told me really strucked my heart. Am I mature and well enough to take care of myself?? Of course i'll tell them I can handle things myself...but as I'm starting my new life here in University Malaya, I realized there's a lot of stuff I cant be independent. Especially emotionaly.

Well, living in a not so clean environment is ok for me. I dont scream till the rooftop blows off when i see cockroaches...Im ok with eating malay food which rotates menu from week to week...i'm independent physically....BUT NOT emotionaly.

I'm just very sensitive to human relationships. A stare, a smile, a wink, a handshake, a glance....it speaks a thousand words to me. And my imaginaition factory up in the brain will start producing "films"....I get very self concious, nervous and anxious of what ppl will think about me. I seem to fail to learn about the "I dont care" theory in life. =/ I just...cant help it but to be sensitive to ppl.

So, imagine: Now I fly to US, land in michigan, enters Spring Arbor University, mixing with a lot of whites and blacks around. Cultures and customs are totally diff from the conservative Malaysian background. Ppl talk and behave in a diff manner......I dont know about you, but for me, in my imagination, I may get an emotional breakdown and go hysterical!

HAHA...no not really. But I think the emotional stress in human relationships will be tougher on me. And at that moment, I"ll definitely miss home alot...and I'll finally acknowledge that dad was right all along.... SO yeah, as much i hate to admit this, i'm not prepared for US ...YET! =P There's so much moulding and stretching to be done in me.

God is a great director. He directs our lives in a very unexpected way. Ppl always say, if they predict what is the next scene, then that movie is a lame one....Same, if we know what God is going to do next in our lives, it's gonna be...BORING! He gives us some clues about what the next scene would be...just not exactly whats gonna happen. It's up to us to analyse and take the right steps. I...have to learn to take a step back and relax.

I'm very clear with my calling. But the road in the middle is blocked with a big bunch of mist. I cant see whats the next path. Guess, i'll have to wait for a lil longer for the wind to blow the mist away so i can see clearly...sighs....patience is one deadly killer..... =/

Another dilemma is...where should i head next? Some thinks I should just spend my 3 years in UM, mom believes Taiwan is a place for me to develop, I personally wanna learn more in US...So where's next? Only God knows. and I'll have to W-A-I-T.

Maybe there's a reason for me to stay back another semester here in Malaysia.

There must be...