Things I Need to Let Go

Few days ago my sister posted an article in our family Facebook page, and the title is
20 Things You Need to Let Go To Be Happy
There are a few things I couldn't let go in my life...in fact almost all 20 of them. (Except thoughts about my ex cz I don't have one)
But life is such a beauty when you are willing and learned to overcome these scars or vice in your life.

One of it speaks dearly to me is judgmental thoughts and approval of others.
Ok, make that two.
These two have been a strong poison and hindrance for me to make decisions and move on with my life. I must admit, I am a paranoid at a lot of times. Afraid of what others think of me, afraid of being hated by others, afraid of offending others....etc etc etc etc etc....

Unfortunately, no matter how hard you try to guard the egg from falling, it will break somehow. Or even if it doesn't, the egg will hatch. Few months ago, I found out from a close friend that some other good friends of mine were complaining about me. I think it's more like gossiping. It wasn't pleasant to hear about it, in fact I was really really heartbroken. Just because they are really close friends and the last time such situation happened to me (2010), it got me into a state of depression.

But thank god, I didn't chose to attempt suicide like I used to. Also thank god for a great boyfriend who knows how to bring me out of the dark thoughts.

However, after overcoming those dark times, there were still unforgiveness in my heart because none of these heart feelings were confronted. And it remains as a wound in me.

Right now, facing challenging relationships with some people, the dilemma of my career path, the perception of others towards me (especially my future in-laws yikes) ......it's crucial that I don't let these negative thoughts get into my head. Having said that with much conscious, images of people slandering about me runs rampant inside my head now.

It's ok, because of all of these things will only makes me stronger. And shaped me into an enduring person.
We can't change people's perspectives of us, nor we can change the whole gossip culture.
But what we can do is not to do it or indulge in it. And always strive to be a better individual everyday.

I thank God for events such as these in life.
One more homework to do: To let go and move on.
Peace.

Darling From Above

You're a girl whom I wanna be girlfriends with

or a guy I would love to spend my whole life with...

You're everything I want to be...

But circumstances changes who we are

and alter the choice we make

You're still everything I wanna be

Oh darling from above

teach me to see your ways

people can say what they wanna say

but nothing echos louder than you

Oh my only guidance

if only I can clear the clouds away

but I know all I could do now

is set foot on every rock I could find

set foot on every rock you provide...

Right and left doesn't matter

as long I have you

Drawing, written and composed by 

jocelynstemilyn

Spiral Trees

Scatter cotton clouds on me

and I will fall asleep

into an adventure of gusty wind

and cherry trees awaiting

My imagination runs

like horses on the greens

Gallop high and gallop low

I can't seem to cease

You can't bring me down

from the clouds

cz my head is light above the skies

Spiral trees

Spiral trees

Spiral trees

comes creepin' in

Spiral trees

Spiral trees

Spirial trees 

be nice to me

I just need to get away

from all these events, these events

I need to get away

get away 

away

drew,written and composed by:

Jocelynstemilyn

Chasing Wind

I can't bear to see time pass me by another day,

All I see is dust turning grey,

age swallowing my confidence and gain,

and I'm chasing a gust of cold wind.

Wake up girl.

Once Upon a Time...Bacon

She has never tasted the taste of a fried chicken, or even roasted pork.
Mom only cooks dull steam chicken breast porridge or boiled vegetables for their daily meals.
Dad only feeds on half boiled eggs and sometimes beans for protein.
They are one skinny and weird family.

People regard her skinny figure to her family genetics heritage.
Yet, everytime she looks at her dad, he seemed to come from a big size, huge bone structured family line.
So she thought, she might be a clone of her mom.
Legs and hands are as skinny as the bamboo stick, flat chested and curvy-less.

She wonder, why won't her parents let her feast on nice oily food like all her other friends?
Her parents are not anti-social people but yet seemed very held back at certain situations. Why?
Why would two nice parents feed on such weird meals? and why their old wooded shattered house has a huge cupboard at a corner of the house? Everytime she ask about it, they only briefly answer "That's the only property your grandfather left for us. It is the best gift." Yet...it's just a normal cupboard collecting dust.

Till one day,
comes starvation and WWZ...
She finally understood all these years of training and 'suffering'...
There was a small corner, at the upper right side of the cupboard, which has an exit plan for the family.
The door was so small, that not every normal size human being can go through.
After crawling their way through the small tube connected to the cupboard door, Dad terminated the exit by breaking the bridge between the tube and the home.
She watched those pieces falling down into an endless pit.

Coming to another end, they entered a world not of their own.
They were in a chinese temple, faced down by many ugly looking demons and monsters.
Never she knew that her parents could fight. They fought a battle of victory.
But then there was a massive explosion.
They floated away on a rugged boat and reached a country side.

It seemed like a peaceful place...
As they pushed open the vintage twirling fence by the sea, their lives were never same again.


*to be continue*



(A dream of mine)

One Day. Coming.

Meow

One day lollipops, ice cream,

jelly beans and sweet dreams will be my own

One day I'll sing for many

who have needs and people with broken souls.

That day is nowhere too far at all...

How could I escape from all this love?

How could I embrace all of this madness surrounding?

Oh God, you have this way of making me realizing,

my fantasies are now coming to life.

No more time to waste...

No more time to waster....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, lovely morning.

It's always good to wake up fresh in the morning with a cup of coffee.

And pulling out my ukulele to write some tunes.

It's been a while since I could sit down and write a song.

Reflecting on the things I've done...

(oh, here come emotional rush)

But then, I won't let emotions get the best of me,

or else I"ll end up like some 文青(文艺少年)...

*tsk tsk tsk*

This song is basically about myself realizing the best of life.

Waking up to a revelation of thoughts that God is good all the time.

Maybe for those who don't believe in God might not understand me,

why would I always wanna talk about God? Jesus?

I've said this alot of times,

just because He's real and He's the maker & fulfiller of dreams.

I'm graduating soon.

In about 2 months time.

and I've always know what I really wanna do in the future,

but circumstances are showing me otherwise.

Yet lately, I got a job in KLPAC,

theatre education.

Definitely NOT the job I expect to take on,

but to my realization, it's what I NEED, though not what I WANT.

I believe this is part of the puzzle for me to unveil 

in order to get to higher ground.

So, coming to this realization gives me to smiles...

and the chills.

How awesome is He who has the best plans for us in life?

If only we could just trust Him with all we have...

Shits,

gotta get back to memorizing my script.

Hopefully will get to blog about my upcoming production,

DARK MOON!  

(18 and 19 May 2013)

What The Birdy Days Taught Me

I beh tahan liao!! 

After a song-composing concert in my uni, named Dayao (means Big Shake, abbreviated from 摇篮手大型歌曲创作演绎会)...everyone has been posting nostalgic statuses and blog post and facebook notes and *gasp* photos! 

And as a senior who's in her final year, leaving this "ivory elephant building" (象牙塔) soon...I've so far done NOTHING, but just LIKE on facebook. 

DENG DENG DENG DENG!!! 

Pretty passive and selfish of me to do so right? 

One of the reasons that I don't wanna write anything sentimental is because I'm so afraid to face that sentimental feeling inside me.

Takut nanti nangis wei...
Anyhow, I guess it's time I write something, not just for everyone, but for myself as well. Maybe when I read this back someday, I'll blame myself for being such an emotional driven writer...

(You guys won't see me tearing up anyway, blurgh) 

And yes, all pics are stolen from various amazing photographer! *claps!* 

(by the way, for those who don't know, we regard ourselves as Birds in this "clubs")

Start out with some emo pic first... =P

This year is pretty much a year of growth for me. 

Emotional, mental, musically, technically, psychologically...physically (ekkk?)
Too much to say so I'll just separate my topics into point forms: 

1. Performing & Technical Skills

Last year, a producer commented on my singing skills and he/she recommended me to take lessons.

Instead of that, I went to sing in cafe and wedding functions.

Before venturing out, I've always thought I CAN sing. 

But bull-crap to myself when I'm out there...my singing was just peanuts!

So the whole year was a challenging one.

Cruel too.

Customers won't be like YLS seniors, giving advice or nice talks.

They criticize or just laugh at your face.

I guess I grew alot from there.

Thanks alot to my singing partners, Steve and Basil too.

Of course, 

I was and still am very touched by the improvement made by my fellow YLS friends.

Despite singing, music playing or composing or management,

EVERYONE grew from a certain extend. 

Just to specially mention XinYi Ng (Yes, you siao cabor),

Who thought she couldn't sing blues or a full band song,

I say you did AWSOME!

Kick-ass those skeptics babeh...

Musicians/ arrangers like Ding Hang, Leong Hooi, Shun Hern, Noah, Keen Long, Hazel, Guo Jing, Moh theng, Raymee, Raee, Julian, Daryl...

you guys really improve alot and I love alot of the arrangements this year.

Maybe too heavy taste for some people, but I think the songs arrangement brought up the best of you.

As for first year birdies,

hands down to you guys! I'm very grateful for a capable bunch of you guys =)

Might not be a Santana, Guthrie Govan, or The Piano Guys

but keep the passion to grow and learn,

you new birds will soon fly high.  

A new love I found -- acappella singing

**Add in a lil shoutout to my cabor gang:

YingChoa, Xinyi, Carmen, Foong Hwa

I'm too grateful to have you gals singing alongside with me.

Without you guys, I won't be able to write good music

and sing acapella! Loves! 

2. Song Composing

Probably an awkward topic to write.

This is my sword, but also my vice.

This is one of the reason I started this whole journey with music in UM.

I can't say I'm a capable writer,

as I'm limited to some stubborn genres,

I won't say I'm flexible,

'cause I still don't seem to agree with some music-market-doers,

But I can say I've grown,

from a bedroom song-writer to one who knows how to work with others.

I learn to develop a style, a piece of my own.

Of course, 

I won't forget to thank my all-time inspirationer.

(there's no such word, i made it up lol)

Jesus Christ.

If not because of Him, I wouldn't be writing,

and writing so abundantly. 

Many asked how could I write a song,

or how could I tell if that's a nice song?

Aside from subjectivity of diff individuals,

I always know a song is nice, if I have the peace and touch from within.

Especially songs I wrote when I pray. 

It's just a very intricate moment which is hard to explain by words.

But surely there are other ways to write songs lar...

don't get my wrong.

This is just how I write my stuff. ;) 

Love this pic to pieces!
I guess it just shows who I really am in Yao Lan Shou.
Just very me, no pretense.

3. Growth

You'd probably be snoring by now.

=P 

Anyways,

many things have changed, and still will do.

For example,

I'll never see music the same way I used to back in 2011.

Every year, every exposure, every moment,

we're improving, growing.

So, to all my friends,

young/old/junior/senior/super senior/...

Never stop growing.

Sometimes, we'll fall into a category of criticizing or subjective opinions.

That's one of the prominent I learned throughout these 3 years.

When we hear something that's out of our dictionary, or

something that's not our cup of tea,

we tend to laugh, gossip, criticize about it.

What I learn from a great musician friend (Farouque)

is that: 

Never underestimate people or circumstances around you.

In other words:

Never underestimate the power of music.

What makes it all work is passion, discipline and humility.

A senior (Siang Xi) told me,

song writing is like training muscle,

keep writing everyday, and you'll breakthrough.

It is and will always be my motto in writing song. ;) 

Another issue is working in a band.

Yes, there'll be conflicts, different personalities, hardships...etc.

It's hard to cope with people who don't see eye to eye with you.

And sometimes, you might be the trouble in the band without knowing it.

I'm glad that there are friends in YLS that would come up and to me,

and confront.

Something that many of us tend NOT to do so at all.

Friends, 

if you care about a friend so much,

and they hurt you along the way,

do go up and tell them what you feel against them. 

Don't go around and "share stories".

Because one day when the stories reached them,

that would tear their world apart.

That's what I did before.

and it got back to me, real hard in the face.

And so this year, I took the initiation to apologize to many whom I used to gossip about.

And asked for forgiveness.

Thankful for seniors like Mi Zen, who taught me that we could be firm and yet gentle to handle some hard situations with people.

And that's the wonder of YLS too.

We accept people with different colours of personalities.

That's why we're always like a family.

Tolerance and acceptance.

<3 nbsp="" p="">

3 years has come and gone,

and soon I'll have to carry on.

It's been a pleasure being with you,

my friend.

Thank you for the wonderful times and wonderful friends.

Thank you for the joy.

Thank you for the music that you gave to me,

Thank you Yao Lan Shou.

Thanks you to all the birdies!!!!

Flower in a Vase

Runaway with me,

Away from these alluring theories.

Withdrawal from paradise.

I stand a lonely flower.

Before you judge me,

know my story.

How I was cut and trimmed

to be another in the vase.

Maybe someday I'll wander my way back

to the beauty vase of every man's desire.

But today I'm planting my roots

in the grounds who will sink me deep.

Maybe someday...I'll come back. 

People say what they want,

Subjective perceptions overrated.

Views floating amidst water,

where they'll soon decay.

Before you judge me,

understand me.

Before you judge me,

know my story. 

I'm not your average flower in the vase.

2013: Walking in the Light

And like what every other people would say

"Time flies"

2013, 13, 23

probably not the most exciting numbers to be seen...

especially the Western people, cz 13 is a taboo number.

However, I believe it's gonna be a super duper exciting year for me...

It's my final semester of my final year in uni! (hopefully I won't have to repeat, choi!!)

and its the year I plan to set out for a long work and travel trip, if possible with Zau. 

Not gonna hide but I'm actually planning for a wedding, probably in the next 3 years to come...

So, there's so much going in my future plans right now, and I can't tell how excited I am to face the fast-paced months...

Thus, as (almost) every year, in my blog, here's le 2013 resolution:

1. Fulfill work-and-travel 'mission' after graduation

2. Final year project: not just achieving an "A" for it, but also spread the awareness of theatre arts to many of my friends.

3. Keep up the daily devotion discipline (I confess, I've slacked alot last year)

4. To save up $$$$$ this year. (the exact numbers are best kept private here)

5. Work more frequent and consistent on my music compositions 

6. Learn to keep in touch with new/old friends. (I slacked and grown much passive over the years...bad thing)

7. Be punctual and improve in time management. (HA HA HA, if you know what I mean)

8. Be responsible in what I say and do, 别说一套做一套

9. Learn to say NO. (yes, it's a hard thing for me)

10. Find a good job. 

Well, minus out some very detailed details, there you have my 2013 resolution list.  

There are 3 secret ones which I decided to keep to myself only, just because...it's very private! (duh? =P) 

And as I was reading through the Bible, 1 John 1:7 says:

"If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin."

I must say, it speaks right out from my heart. 

For the past year, there have been many ups and downs in my walk with God. 

Many times, I've been very irresponsible in my actions and words. 

It's like saying "I love you" to your lover, yet the other hand is holding another guy kinda thing.

(not literally ok, my love life is fine lolz)

The word of God is very precise and powerful,

because it shines on our weaknesses yet it doens't condemns...

Infact, God's grace is sufficient for us to turn away from our darkest past and walk in his new light. 

It is a revelation of thoughts, which always never fails to blow my mind away.

Many people doubted the word of the Bible more than the 2012 doomsday rumours...

but I tell you, these words are words of wisdom and truth.

So,

my conclusion? Not to lie to myself in 2013. 

It's ok to not be perfect, and it's ok to fall down.

But I can't be too complacent with sinning and asking grace every single week, 

I'm then taking advantage of the person who loves me. 

May the year 2013 be a time of walking in the light.

The light of truth, righteousness and purity.

Walk in the Light.