Saturday, April 11, 2009

The Hard Way...as usual....

Some people gotta learn things the hard way...
and I just gone through that...today....few moments ago...
So hard that it was as if a slap on my face...and the pain still so fresh...

Yet I know...I learned a very important lesson....

******

Lately,there's an unknown tension between me and a friend...
well,quite close I would say...
For the whole week, we didnt hang out as usual...no dinners or movies...
just dim and dry...
it's just unusual

I started to panicked....as usual....
My mind came up with all sorts of possibilities...as always...
and soon before I know, all sorts of thoughts about my wrong doings are flying all over...
in and out of my freaking mind...

You dont wanna imagine how horrible my thoughts are....
of course i'm still as normal as always...just emotional at the moment....

Then one day, a junior told me that she was following his car back...I thought it was fine cz there's still plenty of space...but then the other one told me that there's gonna be 4 people going back ...in his car....

I was like "What??? what the heck is this??"
as usual...the irrational side of me reacted and I was furious....like Vin Diesel in Fast and Furious...haha!
It's like a back stab...i mean how could he?

To cut it short,
he did asked me whether I would wanna take a ride home...and being realistic enough,I did.

hah

This afternoon,
I was so ready to slam this issue on his face....
readily sharpened my sword and waiting to sway it onto his lungs...
(forgive me, watched too much Happy Tree Friends...wahahaha)
But....
along the whole journey,he was warm and nice...
you know...all of the sudden talking and joking with me...
I was...frankly... shocked....

Well, thinking that was just part of his act in front of the juniors,
I decided to joined the "act"....
and just when I was hoping he would drop everyone...leaving both of us alone so I could enter to the "moment" i was waiting for, one of the junior insisted him to drop her off last...

Damn!
HABIS CERITA....

I thought that was it...you know,no more confrontations, no more truth to set me free...
BUT,then came my neighbour (one of the juniors) to my house after he dropped me...
she came to tell the reason why he was so cold to me...

And it was then I felt so guilty of myself....
thinking back, it's really my fault for throwing my tantrum at him
and not appreciating him for what he'd done for me...
It was really a slap at my face...and good thing I was awake this time...

I was kinda spoiled by him, cz he was always so flexible and "kek qi" with me,
so I guess I took advantage of the situation unconciously...
while pointing my finger at others, I didnt realize that I was no different from them...

Hey, we're all sinners anyway....kakaka....

And like what someone said...maybe it's fate that he didnt drop me off last...
or I wouldn't had known the truth...
cz he cant take confrontations, and he'll just keep quiet in the car while I spit everything out...which is very selfish of me to do that...IF i was given the chance to...

Hey,it's not fate either...it's God's plan...
I was praying for God for help...I just keep praying "I dont know what to do..."
cz I really dont know what to do but to panick and cry at night...
and maybe this is the best way to teach me some lessons about myself...

for being selfish
for being demanding
and inconsiderate

It's not the 1st time...
there may be still the 10,000th time....
but I promise myself to not let that happen...

I may fail
I may give in to my stupid crazy frenzy thoughts
but I know I will be more careful next time...

cz I'd learned the hard way

what a great Father I have...
=)

2 comments:

serenetan said...

darling..glad that u've found the answer to what has been buggin u for some time =)
sometimes things just don't seem to be the way they appear do they?
but let's not forget that there's always SOMEONE up there watching over us..

JoCeLyn SteMiLyn said...

amen to that!we learn from mistakes