Today was a fairytale-less

I realize,
I have issues when it comes to comparing and competing.
Maybe in a group of people, there seems like no competition,
but inside of me,
I tend to compare with others.

Especially when it comes to things that I do well most...
Acting,dancing and music.

I cant help but to feel that way.
Urgh, how I wish I'm not such a person.

Today,
in my vocal test,
and during my drama performance practise,
I was compared by my teacher and director to other actors.

I got a 'C' for group presentation,
and negative comments from the director.
and also a slight critism from a friend, regarding my coming performance.

This whole Mooncake Festival performance means so much to me,
I was wishing dearly that everyone in CG or UM could come and watch.
I really wish that my friend could understand how important their support is to me...

.......

Throughout the 2 months of our preparation for this perf,
my partner and I had been working so hard to analyse and build out character.
We practise our walking patterns, actions and emotions as well...
though we are just supporting cast, but we still worked our Ass off...
though secretly I wish I could take a leading role, but still I'm grateful for this role.
We seldom receive comments or critism or praises or whatever from the directors......

I was kinda frustrated cz I thought we were kinda...neglected I guess...
See, here comes my comparing attitude...
Then today, out of all the days...on this day where I performed with all my heart,
I finally got critisized.

I wonder I should be happy or sad... *huh...*
Finally some attention from the director, but in the end, he compared us to other characters....
we were just not good enough.

My partner and I was devastated....
I wish I could tell you what we went through in short but its hard...
all I can say is, there was too many uncertainties for our character that we cant build a right character for ourselve...
and now we are being critisized and compared...I'm just...disspointed and confused

I wonder what I did wrong?
I anticipated in every scene, I gave my all...
I throw in all my emotions, as if I really live in that story...
But to the directors eyes, I did nothing....

Same thing,
I acted out everything during my group presentation test...
I thought I gave all my focus and strength....
but in the end... all I get was a 'C' ...
and a cold stare from Miss James....

I wish my friend could come to support me,
but in the end,
I got a bucket of cold splased water on my face...
wow...

I cant stop comparing!
I cant stop feeling jealous and envious!
I cant stop myself from feeling like a loser!

... ... ... ...

But I know I couldnt give up
and feel down.
Let the tears drop however they want...
it doesnt mean that I'm weak and gonna fall...

Instead,
I'm gonna do my double best more...
so I could shock those people and make their glasses fall someday.
This is just the beggining of my fight...
my fight for my passion.

I'm so grateful for a bunch of friends who cared for me.
After 2 months of training, we actors have became like family members.
I was touched by their support and word of encouragements...
there's just so much warmth and support.

They made me believe that I could work this role out...
and they'll be there to help me.

Just as I thought my day would end dreadfully...
they gave a dramatic twist to the ending of the story...

I'm just thankful.

GAMBATAE JOCELYN!!