I Still......

"How is he doing now?"
"Him? Fine I guess...got over him quite some time ago..."
"Oh...dont you miss him?"
"me...? are you kidding me...no...
of course not..."
"I mean...why should I be anxious or curious about him anymore..."

AFK
...... ......

It's not a big deal or issue...
But why I cant get this off my chest?

I guess...to a certain extend I still care...
about the pass...

My 1st Elocution Contest Experience

Yesterday (Tuesday)...I joined a Pre-U English Elocution Contest (Pidato)...State Level...
It was organized by BPR and of course the topic would be about corruption,corruption and corruption...^^

I didnt really expected to win 1st place because :

1. I received the invitation about 1 week before the contest
2. I'd never step on a stage giving speeches and those ...you know...very poetic glance and tones and hand movements...
3. I took only about 5 days to prepare...2 days to memorized...

Anyways...
Everyone was really supportive...thanks guys..especially my schoolmates...really gave me a lot of confidence...
I just took it as if I'm going to educate a group of kids who do not know a thing about corruption...
Even if I forget anything or go blank...I'll just make up my own sentences and let that 8 minutes quickly become history....

Went there...cabut undi...terkena no.8...thank God...
But my heart later fell of the cliff when I saw other contestants wearing ties,coats, baju kurung!...
And I was like...the gray skirt and the long sleeved-slightly-contaminated- with- blue ink-shirt....
AND that ugly school shoes of mine...

I just cant stop thinking about my shoes...How I wished I could wear a pair of high heels...
gosh...
Well...when the contest started...for the pass 7 contestants before me, I spent my time just listening to my MP3...thinking about how I'm going to perform on stage later...
how I'm going to dance and sing on the stage as performing guest....

FOCUS!! Gosh...I was day dreaming! I didnt dare to look at any of the contestants presenting as I wanted to keep my cool...
But I did laugh at a few due to the very hilarious gestures they showed...
...........
I'm sorry...I didnt mean to!...My classmates were much worst...they cant stop laughing at others...teruk punya orang...

Then...it's was contestant no.8...ME>> Jocelyn Tan...
I got up...and just spitted everything inside my mind...I was making eye contact with the audience...the judges...my friends...haha
UNTIL...I looked at one of the female judges...which was looking attentively at my shoes!!!

OMG!! My shoes...
"Are they going to deduck marks for appearance and 1st impression?"
"Stop looking at my shoes!!!"
"........"
I went like...blank...I forgotten the next line...looked at my cards...got back on track...

Phew...safe...
and I think I was the only contestant who did not even exceed the final 7th minute...
Wow...i guess I was going a lil fast...but it was satisfactory... =) I'd done my best,...
well except the shoes thingy... *ehem*

Then coming to the main hall for the prize giving ceremony...
When they were calling out the consolation prize winners...I was like "please dont call my name yet...""
But funnily...when they are about to announce the runner up and the 1st place... Ironicaly I was like "Please say that I'm the runner up..."
I dont think I can win the SMK DERMA-rian...she's expressive...way expressive than me...
With all the hand motions and tones...I cant do such 'romantic' , 'patriotic' acts...
Ultimately...Im just lazy to represent the state...HAHAHAHA

But the moment they announce my name as the winner...
I just felt...relieve?
I dont know...unbelievable I should say....
My friends were like "Yes Yes! "
and I was...stunted...

Like Serene told me...I was experiencing instantaneous stardom...
I was then interviewed by New Straight Times...
Appeared at Sin Chew Jit Poh, Guang Ming Jit Poh,Guang Hua Jit Poh...and NST too...
A teacher told me,she saw me on TV3 as well...
I'm flattered!! I mean...I thought it was just an ordinary contest...but it was more than that...
Maybe because the Pengarah BPR showed up there...with his bodyguards...HAHA
It was such an honour joining this competition...a wonderful experience...and most importantly...

I got a RM 500 check!!! Ka-Ching$$ ... Wakakakakakaka...

The moment I received the prize...inside my heart I was saying
"Thanks Lord...Hallelujah!!"
Lol...God answered my prayers too...

Next up is...national level in Johor Bahru...again...
People were like...why you always go JB?

Haha...it's jodoh kua....
Johor friends....remember to come support me ok? Bring flowers, sign boards with my name on it...balloons, cameras, videocam,food....

oh yeah...I just love the sight of it...LOL...

Letter for Henna

Henna,

Yo,you must had arrived in UK by now...
So sorry that I didnt managed to write a farewell letter to you...
as you know la...i'm such an absent minded person PLUS I was preparing for the elocution contest which is going to take place TOMORROW....huhuhu

Good thing we have the internet...
thanks to human's great invention...i can send u a digital letter instead...=)
you better copy and save this...haha!

Wow...time surely flies...or should I say time surely rockets?
ahah
it's already 18 years since our friendship begun.
the 4 of us are like elephant glue when we were sooooo young back then...
always wanting to stay over at each other's house...
1 day not enough, 2, 3...
Even 1 week seemed like 1 day...^^
Those were the crazy days...

Like what you mentioned in your letter,
the 4 of us have very different characters...but we are somehow close together...
Looking back to those times...it's really a miracle that our friendship had lasted for so long..
though later I was not in the same high school with the 3 of you...
worst still, we went to separate churches and then,
Serene and you went to KL...
It's like...I almost lost contact with you...

Frankly,there was a period of time that I felt very distant from you...
Maybe I only see you like twice a month?...maybe less..
and when you went to KL...it's like 3 tims a year we only meet!
I was anxious that our friendship would end one day or maybe we wont be that close anymore...
(you seldom text or mail me either...hahah)

But I was wrong...
Each time we meet...it's just so natural to talk to you...
I mean I dont feel that distance as like what I imagined before...
Just like buddies...we still click well...
I'm so thankful about that...
thanks to your BIG MOUTH too...breaking the ice and such...
PLUS,we are all Siao Siao and Sot Sot and Syok Sendiri...
I think only a few pics we took are actually normals ones...
LOLz...

Well...
Im really glad you are there and to start a new life adventure...
No matter where you are, I'm so gonna miss you and that seriously hillarious laughter of yours...
=)
oh yeah,it's really glad to have you back in Perlis for the past few months...
Take care gal...email me or vice versa...


Love Jocelyn

Dirty Sexy Money (SMK Perlis version)

Haihz...after what had happened to our school lately...

My heart really broke into pieces...

I'm not supposed to reveal the incident until it is allowed to be known publicly...

Will try my best to not expose it...^^

Was watching one episode of "Dirty Sexy Money" last night and...the chaos and dark side of humanity portrayed in the drama really left me thinking about our school...SMK Perlis...it's just like the drama version of our school's current condition...just more exaggerating than reality...

All I can put this is...it's all about politics and emo-ness..

Imagine teachers...already adults still cant control their emotions and actions rationally...

If it's teens making all the mess around the school...fine...we are still immature...but adults...making the whole school miserable...very humiliating and disappointing...

In the same time...I'm starting to think about our country...also facing the same kinda issues...Politics,Racism,Corruption,...so many other issues...

If only human can live peacefully among one another,all doing their responsibility well,stop all those immorality...the world would be a better place to be...

But it's all about the Dirty Sexy Money...LOLZ...and fame and authority...

My dad says that only prayer can change our school...Yes it's very true and that's where CF comes to the rescue...ahah

We'd been praying for the school for like...4 years??ANyway, we witness changes,good or bad ...and we clearly know that God is moving in our school somehow...

You may wonder why when God is on our side, bad things still happens?Bad and absurd teachers still exist in our midst?

We all acknowledge when the Christians is praying hard...the S.A.Tan will also work hard to stop us...No wonder lar...I really felt discourage when knowing all these bad news lately...I kept doubting God...whether it's our hearts not being serious to pray for the school or did God just forsakes us?

Now everything seems clear enough...we are in a Spiritual Battle...

Wow...it's war...haha...better get dressed!

Hard to imagine but I can feel how real it is to me right now...

Well...I'm looking at the bright side of everything...hopefully this freaky incident will bring better changes to the school

May justice and peace prevail in SMKPerlis!

p/s: Please pray for my school because the INCIDENT actually may cause danger to my mom...it's crucial...thanks

Haihz....

Just came back from a happy family dinner in Kuala Perlis...
The seafood was sensational but...
It rained...so HEAVILY that we got all wet when on the way to the car...

That's still ok...
nothing big...
When we got home...
A few seconds ago...
Our roof!...the tiles was blown away!!
OMG...we rushed to the 2nd floor...and Tadah...
our rooms were filled with water...aka rusted water from the attic...

Now there's so many things to do...
so fearful cz the uncle say the roof might collapse if it rain heavily again...

I'm keeping my fingers cross...
praying that it will not rain until the roof is fix...

Now I regretted saying that I love rainy days...huuuu

Revalation...(it's kinda long but please read...)

Ok...i think this is the 3rd post in this week...
Really a weird yet overwhelming week for me...
As you can see from the 1st post till this 3rd one...there's different emotions and thoughts...
This one I'm writing is rather long...but I really do hope u guys can take some time to read...
Because your prayer is very much needed...

These few days...
I had this very strong feeling to actually pursue music full time...
As in letting go of my studies and just go...
But you know lar...irrational is not the key to success...
yeah, so 1st thing I did was submit everything to God...
really asking Him to:

1. to give me a clear thought...
2.Let my mind really function well...think straight...
3.If I still cant...then please send someone or through somebody ...to guide my thoughts....

God is always so faithful in our lives...
He knew clearly that my emotional mind cant function rationally...
So He did the no.3 way...

Today,in church we had a speaker from Langkawi...
I didnt expect His message would be that accurate to my condition...
He talked about Joseph...how he was betrayed by his brothers...sold to slavery...how he found his talent to interpret dreams...and finally became the 'perdana menteri' of Egypt...

You know...reading how God had changed and shaped Joseph life really made an impact on me...
Imagine he had to wait for 13 years to become an influential person and actually make a difference in a land where no one worship the true God...
and he made it...
God used that amount of time to shape Joseph so that he was prepared to face the future...
which required alot of character...
Imagine how hard it was to be a good Perdana Menteri...
It wont be easy for Pak-Lah though...

^^...okok...back to the topic

Looking back at myself...I'm rushing things too fast...
I know my calling...where I'm going to be in the future...
I'ts just that...I think I'm being overexcited and impatient already...
Pastor is right...we should wait and obey...
God's way is our way, but man's way is not always God's way...
So if we hurry things,we are eventually going to miss out blessings from God...

We are often not aware of the character needed to face the future...
You might think you are mature enough to face this industry...
but the fact is, the world is much complex than you ever know...
So what he said is like a slap on my face---->> dont hurry Jocelyn...

If I were to tell people of my calling,
some would laugh their heads off...(putus sampai ke lantai...HAHA)
many might not even believe in me...because it's very big...
some might say it's too ambitious or it's just fantasy...
It can only happen in my dreams...
But to those people...let me tell you...as long I work on it...and truly encounter God daily...
Keep close to Him...I shall prove you wrong...

So many people often think that the music and sports industry is not benefitial...($$ wise)
They will point to you where the money(ching ching) is...
and that's why many people gave up on the passion they once had
and pursue something they dont really want...
Missing out the blessings God had in their lives...

No matter what,I'm going to use this talent of mine to bless people...
and go where God's finger shows me...not human's finger ^^
At 1st I'm kinda shaken and doubtful because I worry that this dream is what I wanted not what He wanted...
But when pastor mentioned that when some people received something that others do not have...that's God's favour upon our lives...
It's truly an encouragement for me...and also another confirmation from God...

So...I'm going to take up the STPM and piano grade 8 challenge...
I know there's gonna be alot of tears and sweat...
It's gonna be worth the bet
It ain't a waste of time...even if I do not get 4A in the end...
Character building and upgrading my skills is the most important thing for now...

Guys...
Please pray for me...
That I wont lose this passion...
and always be the light wherever I am...
be a blessing to the people around me...
Most of all...may His plans be establish in my life.

AMEN!

Can Somebody Just Tell Me Why...

The feeling so strong...
That sense of urgency...so strong...
How come my heart just can't stop calling out to my soul?
I can't seem to suppress the fire inside...
Not being exaggerating...but I'm truly in a state of confusion now...
Should I leave now?or put everything on hold?

Jocelyn...
One part of you says...dont procrastinate...
the other part of you says...BE RATIONAL...dont rely on the feelings...
I'm still praying very hard...trying to find assurance from God..
Is this the right time to let of everything and pursue that fire inside..

It's not just a passion or a dream...
it's my calling...but why now?when everything is so perfect...
when I'm just starting to adapt to my school life again...
Why now?

I couldnt question...
If cancel out the parents and $$ factor...
I think I'll be on my way by now...
Somebody tell me...Am I just being absurd or what??

Thinking too much?
Dreaming too much....?
No...this matter has been so serious that I can't get it off my chest...
Lord...what are you trying to tell me?

Should I do like what I did last year?
Let go of everything and give it a shot...
Though I did not get through the audition...yet it was a stepping stone to everything...
That experience put me at where I am now...

Am I still dreaming?Maybe I'm just being stupid?

WHY WHY....I'm in doubt...I dont wanna make any wrong decisions...

Can somebody tell me....what should I do?Can somebody please call me...
Can somebody tell me why...

You Cant Stop Me From Dreamin'

They say dreams are unrealistic
The thick dreams are the first to fold
but remember the first time
you touched the mic
fill your stomach up with passion and dont be afraid
Everyone points fingers
And tells you to follow the money
Even though you look pitiful
It’ll be your wings
fly sky high
your beautiful mind
Color the black and white world
with your beautiful rhyme
in this heartless city
oh this godless city
you’re an artist
dont lose your confidence in yourself

one day soon it will be
my time to shine
The unwillingly turning pencil sharpener
The world is still my white canvas
one day soon it will be
my time to shine
The unwillingly turning pencil sharpener
Falls into the world, like dust in the wind

EPIK HIGH--Pencil Sharpener

That was the best song I'd ever heard...first time a song that spoke so real about my feelings inside...

I'd always know deep inside my heart,that my calling was to be in the music industry,yet...

No one seemed to believe in me...
I mean there are people who actually supports me...i'm thankful...
Just that, no one actually understand the passion inside...

It's all about being part of this world...
to study...to enter Uni...to work
=.=

Yesterday,
when I was telling a friend I might not enter Uni if God calls me into the music industry after my STPM...(or maybe now! ^^)
and that person told me : 'You can start serving after you graduate from Uni...when you have the time...'
What on earth was that? You mean to say we can put God's plan on hold?
even when He calls us?

You might think I'm out of my damm mind...
You can say I'm being unrealistic...a dreamer who dreams and dreams...
But I can tell you all out there that no matter what...
I know where I stand...
I know my calling...I know what's awaiting in the end...
You cant stop me from dreaming...You cant...

Impossible is>> Nothing<< is Impossible.
Of course,the stage of preparing is most important...
please pray that I can continue to be patient and willing to endure every hardship...
And may everything I do glorifies His name...



Be the light gal...gambatae.