what a tiring and shitty Christmas...
Felt so lost this year...i'm just exhausted.(all aspects)

Kuching Trip (day 2)

Ah...finally got time to write about Day 2...

So early in the morning after a nice meal in Lime Tree hotel,

we took a 30++min journey to Bako National Park...

we have to take a 20min boat ride there...

cam whore session! Yeah, i know to some photographers who sees this will think i'm going insane...

but who says we cant camwhore with a DSLR in a jumpy boat in the middle of the sea? lolz

Beautiful sky that day. =)

*mute* 

We got off the boat and walked to the beach. Its not really a beach though..

more like harden mud-soil-ground to me...

but the scenery was awesome... 

 found this umbrella looking tree,which resembles to a landmark we saw in Chiang Mai

a year ago...*snap!*

LOLz...

after wow-ing at the beach and saw some wild bore running naked,

we started our hiking journey into the Bako hills! 

Aint this cute? This moss is everywhere on the ground wherever we stepped...

 see?? but its fancy looking though...

there's actually alot of plants and trees photo, but i guess it'll basically appeals the same

to those who have less interest in agriculture/plants...

As a daughter of an agriculturist, I MUST at least pretend to be interested right?

lolz...but i love nature,dont get me wrong...

Went to the top of the hill and found lots of pitcher plant! 

This is the medium size... 

We then took a short cut way...the guide took use us to walk amongh the mangroves trees!

Which is so stoked! Walking among those respiratory roots and sea water,,,

of course we need some SS pics!.

 Dad posey again...(he requested this!)

Well,later that we had lunch, walked a lil more...

yada yada yada...

rested...

and in a blink of an eye, its dinner time!!

A friend brought us to this restaurant...modest looking one... 

This is the "Ou Jian". The oyster wasnt fried at all...

should be called "Ou Boh Jian" (hokkien) 

haha..but it was nice.

This is another one to intro...

they call it "pilin",a kind of paku pakis...

the texture was nice...love the lil crispy "branches" running through my teeth...

haha!!

thats the best I can describe myself...=P

There were more food but those you can find in west malaysia lar..

Overall, I enjoyed myself in the GREENS.

I told my family "After months of living in the concrete jungle, now I finally entered the real jungle"

FRESH AIR!!

Day3-5 coming soon!!

stay tune =)

Kuching Family Trip [Day 1]

After the melaka music camp, 

I had to rush straight back hometown to prepare for my family trip to Kuching.

It was a tough choice for me to do so cz I wanted BADLY to join the singer's workshop. I know its gonna be fruiful workshop and tonnes of crazy fun. But family is priority and my mom would kill me if I change my mind last minute.LOLz

So,I packed my bags. And the next morning,we arrived at the Penang Airport.

Here's the story:

 You wonder where I got my hyper genes? Answer: Dad.

He's posing...lol

 Lovely weather...=) and the clouds are like cottons...

felt like jumping on them and have a nice noon nap!

 Reached the Kuching airport. Found this funny lady standing and smiling at us...

Seeing her so pityful all  by herself, we decided to give her a warm greeting. 

Got to our hotel. The LimeTree Hotel. Everything is related to the theme "Lime".

And its pretty subLIME...lol

 The small living room...lol

 Bathtub! I know i'm kinda overreacting about it but its huge!

can fit in 3 gals ler...lolz

 There are 2 rooms but I'm just gonna show the main one.

 Super Uber comfy!

After jumping around the bed, we went for dinner...hehe

We walked around the hotel area and found this...

Dad wanted to give it a try so...

 SERIOUSLY looking through the menu..hmmmm

Left : Jiang Nan noodles,lotsa vege,not bad lar..Right: Duck Noodles is GOOD!Duck meat very delish

Tomato sauce noodles...the name says it all....yeah....=.=

We went to take a walk at the Waterfront riverside...

Saw this...the Dewan Undangan Negeri...

dang,so much nicer than the mini Putrajaya in Perlis...

its like Palace floating on water...

 And some self-indulging momens at a unique story telling wall...

about some crocodile...etc

 The hotel gave us complementary drinks at its lounge.

Lime Soda! lol

Went to play some "needle" game....dont know the actual name for this game. 

HAHA!and obviously I suck like a chicken....

A lil view of the lounge.

Small yet fancy. If there's a few friends to be around would be much fun.

Then  its sleeping time...lol.

There goes a day and the adventure is yet to take place...

Stay tune for day 2!

I'm a Work In Progress

So, I woke on the wrong side of bed today. Received a phone call from Dad, asking me to go back as soon as possible. He was expecting alot from me for the church Christmas programme. Sighs....we kinda got into an unpleasant conversation as I try to explain why I cant go back so soon yet. Anyhow, I feel bad for not being able to divide myself into half and enjoy the best of both worlds. So yeah...9.30a.m was a bad start of my morning...

I have 3 things going on at the same time today...one heck of a time table...
So, being in a rising temper, what would you usually do? Continue to sleep?Eat?Facebook?Youtube??Find someone to talk to?? 
I decided to find someone to talk to...someone whom I've neglected for sometime...God.
Laugh it out..i dont mind but yeah, He is someone I've been hiding in the closet for days. Living in an unhealthy lifestyle, not attending church for 2 weeks...actually made me felt very much disconnected from God. Though He has been blessing me alot these days, but I'm feeling bad for not seeking him hard enough like I used to be....so, I did my devotion today! (somebody say Yeah!! =P )

And BINGO....everytime when I do my devotion...its just so specific and intimate. I know for some of you who do not believe in God/Jesus Christ, you may not get what I feel,but dont worry, it could happen to you someday. =P I'm reading from Ps.Joel Osteen's "Your Best Life Now".
In Ephesians 2:10 " We are God's workmanship,created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do".
We are all uniquely crafted by God...each of us has our own special traits and talents. He sees the best in you and our good moves!

This actually struck me alot.
I've been living in self-condemnation all this while. Though I always self praise saying I"m the prettiest gal in the world,bla bla bla....I'm actually a very low esteem gal. I need alot of encouragement and confirmation from people to feel proud of myself or something I've done. Especially for the song I've written, I usually get so happy when ppl like it although the quality of the sound may not be as good...I based my self-value TOO MUCH on other ppl's feedback. So, whenever there's not enough good respond or there are some harsh critiques on what I've done, I get utterly discouraged. And then I'll fall into a stage of self-condemnation and hatred. I wont usually admit this to ppl or show it too much....cz its gonna make me look pathetic...haha....

Anyways, today's message was so straight to the bull's eye. *Hiak!*....hit right to my heart...
 "Your sense of value isnt based on your achievements,how well you perform,how somebody else treats you, or how popular or successful you are. Your sense of value extends from the fact that you are a child of the Most High God."
"As his unique creation, you have something to offer this world that nobody else has, that nobody else can be!"
WOW WOW WOW...
this is indeed very encouraging...most importantly, it just speaks the hell out of me. Its just like someone giving u a general advice that actually speaks so specifically to your hurting heart. And it gives you the *eureka* moment. Like *ching!* then you awake from a long dream....its just like sleeping beauty waking up from death after the prince kissed her...(ok enough with the drama...HAHA)

I guess after joining Yao Lan Shou (a song writing based music group in UM)...my expectations for my music has gone from 50% to 101%...haha....after witnessing all those talents from others, my competitive spirit just shoots up. Its not really a Jocelyn kinda mindset though. However, it affects me more than anything. I feel so inadequate, so defeated and lost. Being an impatient person, I just wanna reach to a high level instantly. So I got kinda lost of where to start best cz I wanna find that short cut to "professionalism"...LOL.
In the end, I ended up in frustration and condemn. I was being quite hard upon myself.

And there are also alot of things that made me felt the same...such as my drama studies,relationships (ooo lala) and believe it or not I also cared about my looks....haha...not usually what I would think of...but yeah....
I just wanna be good in everything...greedy greedy gal...

But today God is reminding me that I'm his workmanship...meaning I'm in the process of being crafted. I forgotten that I"m in a process of learning! It takes time and years to reach there. I am a "work in progress". LOL...I shouldn't be so discourage,instead be happy about where I am and keep absorbing what I've learned yesterday and today.God is moving me to greater things,day by day,bit by bit....(Amen to that! Somebody say YEAH!)

Looking back to how far I've gone, from a small town to a huge city...I can't say that I achieved nothing. And I'm grateful for what I have.
I may not see God physically, but all I have around me, all I've experienced and went through, allows me to experience His presence in my life. Its just so real.

*Thank you for loving me despite my rebellious heart.*
May this be an encouragement and inspiration to all you who read this. I hope you're blessed!!
=)

"You may not be everything you WANT to be,

 but thank God that you're not what you USED to be"

Lame Song

I am a cool headed person

as plain to see

a storm coming right towards me

still i'm sipping tea

Sun rays beating on my curtains

as warm as can be

heating up the dust among it

so are my cold feet

Who says every song 

must have a distinctive meaning

and couldnt be lame?

If only this world 

would be less complicated

I bet many would agree

singing about dust is no sin

2 hours before my exam and here   

I am, with my ukulele. =)

Nature in the Concrete Jungle

... ...

Counting those footsteps on the ground
it may not be much
but its good enough to make me smile...

(something that came to my mind instantly...)

Music.Passion.Expression

I know its pretty long, but I just gotta blurt the overwhelming feeling here!! Bare with me...

So, last night I went to watch the band JUNK played a gig in a cafe (HotSpot) at Damai Damansara. It was definitely an anticipating moment for me. (Finally getting out from my room,surely a great thing to do!)

When we got there, HotSpot was a cafe in one slot of the shop houses, not very big but comfy. I was immediately attracted by the decoration of the place. There were instruments all over the place! Ranging from guitar to violin,trombone,smaller guitar,conga,piano.It was like a music museum! There were also pictures of famous people,pics of the owner's younger days...Even the kitchen was decorated with old pots and pans above and beside it...so uber cool.
And the thing that attracted me the most was the stage. It was a modestly beautifully decorated stage. Small yet its decent. Yellow lights, with more old pics decorated at the background...wow. It gave such a strong indie feeling, I loved it! Ahh, I could just go on and on and on describing...lets not go into there shall we? lol

ANYWAYS, the band went up to sound check and immediately they attracted ppl's attention.Like a friend of mine,Calvin said: "This is probably the most lansi sound check ever..." And so JUNK started Junking (jamming), and the whole jazzy groovy tune got ppl nodding,clapping, and ever dancing! The lady who owns the shop was moving along to the music and dancing her heads off, as in literally swinging her hair from left to right...wooo...and shortly after that her husband climbed up the counter to get his trombone down. He walked up the stage and started playing along with the band! LOL...That was pretty random but awesome. The trombone was rusty of course, but he played with such enjoyment. I just cant describe the joy on his face as he played. And in one of the songs, the auntie just stepped on stage, start singing to the blues! It was totally improvised on the spot. Totally caught me off guard, and in awe. Mind-blowing. Her voice...argh...i wish I could play it back to u now...*press replay button* =P

Then after JUNK, there were other punk rock/emo rock/rock rock/metal rock...whatever rock bands who went up to perform. I must say, those were what I really called the RAW talents. Most of it were singing/sreaming their lungs off while banging on their instruments. It was mostly unpleasant to the ear cz I was sitting so darn close to the big speakers and the way they play the music could use more practice & improvement...But apart of being sarcastic, I could see the PASSION in them. When they play their music on stage, you could tell how excited and set-free they were,same thing goes to the band mates of JUNK and the couple of HotSpot. There's just so much intensity and passion inside all of them. I believe I was in the midst of them as well. I know what it feels like to have a place for you to express the music deep inside, that kind of emotional release...its just indescribable. Every musician/singer/performer should understand this situation. We are just craving for a place where people LISTENS and APPRECIATES our music and ourselves.

(Fuyoh...such intensity. LOL...could feel the sweat in my palms now.)

A touching moment was the auntie came to us and told us her compassion towards all these youngsters. She kept emphasizing that we young ppl should have a stage to express ourselves. Good or bad quality music its fine...as long as we are heard by others. She continued that music is not drugs,violence or something negative as many ppl would perceived it is (I think she was referring to the punk rock kinda music more specifically).
Anyhow, I think she has a point. And I'm so grateful for ppl like her and her husband for opening such a great opportunity for everyone to sing and express our own artsy music side. =) She welcomed everyone to come play music at HotSpot, just give her a call. Ooo lala! Truly, I'm so touched by this couple.

It was definitely a passionate night. I cant think of any other words to use except for that. Especially towards the end, where everyone was just singing along to "Kau Ilhamku"...it was pretty a pretty sight. Heart-moving too. Despite the noisiness of the music and cigarette smokes (which was killing my lungs off), it was really a pleasant night. I did not regret hanging out with the guys. Definitely a night that I learned alot and was blessed.

What keeps us performing ppl going on despite all the obstacles?
PASSION (say it in a french way)
Muuuuah!!Ooo lala....

=)

Pink piano.Mmmm...wonder who would buy this?
Paris Hilton.

Like the Way I Look...

And I know there's something about you boy
that I couldnt get my mind off anymore
The wish of you being here with me
the thrill of having time with you just for a minute
The way you try to tease me
with some other guys out there that I wouldn't look at

Like the way I look into your eyes
if only you notice
Like the way I move and talk around you
if only you notice
I would have walked away
cause somehow we're not meant to be
but your gravitational eyes keeps pulling me
from the clouds back to your ground

I've always dreamt of holding your hand
somehow your arms are far from grasp
She's always there beside you
trying to get your eyes to look into hers
I know I'm no competition
but i really really thrist just for one glance from you

I keep looking back
oh i cant stop to look back

L.I.P (live in peace)

Little drops of rain
falling
on my window pane
chillin'

Got a tummy ache
gastric
couldn't feel a thing
headache

why must this whole world be so
sophisticated complicated
realistic,cruel and
dark

why cant we just be as jolly as could be?
no more tension,anger and
frustration
I just wanna live in peace.

*another unfinished song*

Reality Shows Otherwise

Just when I thought I stand a chance to be good,

reality shows otherwise.

Just when I thought I'm quite good in music,

reality shows i'm less than average.

Just when I thought I could act well,

reality shows that I'm just a clown

Just when I thought I'm independent,

reality shows that I'm pathetically lonely.

oh my ego

and naiveness...

forgive me for feeling that way at times...

Reality shows otherwise.

I guess I live too much in a world of dreams and imagination.

=( 

Ukulele Hunt

So,

after "The White Snake In You "

I was so darn free...

Free till the extend

that I ventured around  KL

(times square, sungai wang, pavilion, bukit bintang area,mid valley,pudu station,ikea...)

for a UKULELE HUNT!

Yes, i've been craving for it quite some time now...

and before I could rush into buying one,

Pastor Soon Lee offered to lend his ukulele to me for the time being.

He said its better for me to learn it, 

fall in love with it (for long terms that is...not just for the moment)

then invest a good one...

And so,

here it is, the Mahalo ukulele

not mine but I'm already in love with it...

(for now...that is...lol)

hehehe...

trying to be pro.

Well, if you know how to play guitar,

its definitely easy for u to pick up ukulele,

cz its quite similar in a way.

Ukulele gives such a joyful and bubbly tone,

 I feel like I'm at a nice beautiful beach on a peaceful evening.

Ahh~~ my imagination running wild now.

Did a different version for my song "Make me Somebody"

using the ukulele... =) 

It sounded just perfect!

=D

Every litttle thing you do...

... ... I do adore.

Puppy love is hard to ignore.
=)

Smile : )

  I have to admit...

feeling kinda melancholic today.

Was spending some time with the seniors from the song-writing sociey...

From our conversations...

I felt that somehow......

that 1st place I achieved was just mere luck.

No, I dont believe in luck.

I guess I was a little more fortunate that day.

Have to be grateful still.

I have to much to learn and improve.

and I'm feeling so pressured and tension.

Pursuing originality and uniqueness,

trying to write the right tune that shouts myself.

Browsing some of my pics,

its funny...

cz I make myself smile!

=D

BTW,

Discovered a new singer today,

Mindy Gledhill.

First heard her song "Whole Wide World"

Immediately I was strucked!

Everyword, every verse speaks so similar to my heart.

"I wanna hold the whole wide world, right here in my open hands.

Maybe I'm just a little girl, a little girl with great big plans"

wow.

Then there's "Hourglass"

" When you reach for the stars, dont forget who you are.

Please dont turn around and grow up way too fast.

See the sand in my grasp, from the first to the last.

Every grain turns into the memory of the past.

 Oh,life's an hour glass."

I love indie kinda songs.

and the lyrics isnt hard to digest,

furthermore,

it speaks straight to my soul.

Just couldnt help but smile even more.

=)

You know,

its ok to feel defeated once in a while.

Just gotta know how to get back on track and strive on.

I know there's many trying to pull me down,

also many behind me, backing me up...

Most importantly,

I own the promise from my Father above.

His words are true and never failing.

I hold on to it,

and I believe somehow, someday...

I'll also be that girl singing songs inspiring others...

bringing smiles to another's face.

: )

Tired.Sleep.Rants

Finaly got some time to slow down
and write some shizz here...

Its been a tiring and stressful week...
The show is a week later and things are starting to get tense...
much more stressful than my previous zebra act...
I deeply understood the amount of PAIN in the ass for a stage manager...

PLUS,
with all the exams, group works and events coming up,
all demanding for 100% commitment...
I'm totally wear off.

So many 100% to commit...
how could I ever do so?
There are some which I felt like quitting...but...is it too late?
argh...whose to blame?

All this while,
I've been acting as if I can handle all this business and stress...
but clearly today I felt otherwise...
Though my face reflects the fatigueness and the lack-of-sleep syptoms,
but I keep a positive attitude to deal with things one step at a time...

But today...
huuu....after a crappy morning....
All I wanna do was SLEEP...
but i realize...I hardly have the time to do so...

I really wanted to tell somebody or anybody,
verbally that " I AM TIRED!!!"
but I dont wanna show people that I'm weak or
maybe they'll say "Serve you right for being too active"
so...I'll just BLURT everything out here and I'll be fine...

I guess...

Well, so much for the rants...
its time to get back straight up and fix things one at a time...
I know I might sound foolish or pathetic or whatever you wanna think about me...
but once I've taken the responsibility,
I learned that I have to accomplish it till its done...

So...
15mins to the next task...
ZzzZzzZZZzzzzz

As Much As I...

I wont tell the time

but just so you know that it is late

I've been thinking all day

all midnight about you.

Everyone is asleep

leaving just the crickets here with me

The chill of coldnights

sinks deep within my skin...

As the memory of you

penetrates deeply through

This core of my heart

could ever contain more of you

As much as I wanna be in your arms

I just want you to be happy

As much as I wanna hold you

I pray that you'll find love that last

I'll just stand here in the distance

waiting at the corners of your life

hoping that you'll see something differently in me.

As much as I could... ...

Stand at a distance... ...

So near yet so far... ...

A Miracle on a Cracky Sexy Voice Night

Another LONG post...bare with me yea. Just read it. =)

I was "dumb"...for 18hours.
Woke up on the wrong side of bed today, found out that I lost my voice...
COMEPLETELY...

"SHIT" was the first thing that came to mind.
I cant manage to loose it by today, because the song writing competition is today,
and I have to sing and play!
But initially I was quite calm and cool...thinking that everything would be alright...
Until 6pm... 2 hours before showdown...
I panicked and shed tears...(which is NOT cool at all...)

Deeply in me, I knew, this was no coincidence.
Its all a test of faith and patience.
Its whether I"ll have faith that I could pull it through,
and not fret when I face such condition.
But as humans, we are all weak. I really wanted to give up.
Listening to other contestants practicing and doing so well in their rehearsals,
singing their heads off...
Man, how I wish you could understand the devastation inside of me...

But I know, I can only wait and simply have faith, that my voice will recover.

In the end, I decided to sing it through.
"Come what may" ...thats what I could ever think of.
I know as I stand there singing with a cracky voice (plus a risk of running out of tune...)
alot of marks may be deducted...
But most important thing is not winning, but its about touching lives.

All ths while, my calling is to use songs to reach out to people.
and this is one great opportunity to do so.
Some people may notice, instead of asking "Do I sing well?",
I asked " Did that song touched you?"...
SO...I went up that stage with a cracky voice...
I really threw all my fears to Him.

**************************************************************************

You have no idea...
when I was on that stage...
there was nothing else but gratitude.
Everyone was quiet and still...
as if the world stops and listens to me...

Never once I was given an opportunity to sing my own song
infront of a large crowd.
This was SUPERB!!
Though it was pitchy, but in my heard I was like "WOHOO!! Yeah baby,rock the stage!"
haha...
It was cracky, yes...and I think thats the only "resentment" of the night. XD

Well, maybe it made me sounded more sexy??? hmmm....I wonder....

*************************************************************************

Now, we've come to the prize giving ceremony.
Though I told many that winning is not everything,
but seriously...trust me, I wanted to win.

Yes...thats how competitive I could get sometimes.

They started off with best performance
best song arrangement,
best lyrics,
most favourited performance...
even I didnt get a prize for best melody....

I'm starting to think that I dont stand a chance anymore.
I'm just an amature I guess...
or the judges dont fancy such style...
(there goes my conscious self)

Then 3rd prize...not me...
runner up...still wasn't me...
"GEEZ, maybe my song was that bad after all...MMM,its not about winning,its about the experience...take this as a great lesson...what to do? I've lost my voice, surely it had affected my performance..."

BLA BLA BLA...all sorts of -ve thinking invading my thoughts...
All my friends beside were shouting my name, and I cant help but to stop them.
I just cant bare the pressure anymore...

"And the winner is Jocelyn!"
Before I could stand up and scream,
a whole bunch of people had already scremed their lungs off the roof top!
Lol...I love those guys...always that hyper and LOUD.
But at that moment, I was totally shocked.

Really...
I couldnt believe myself until somebody pushed me forward.
I was in deep trauma. HAHA!!!
(as in positively traumatic)

Shaking hands with famous song writer/producer Guan Qi Yuan,
this was another cool thing to remember.
He whispered "You wrote a nice song."
OOO LALA~~~ my tail was wiggling all over the place...HAHA...
I was just...HAPPY...

*************************************************************************

Special thanks to these amazing people:

Yu Jie
for buying me bitter tea. Though it was horribly bitter, but I drank it all. And it really helped!! thanks bro!

Robin
for giving me some tips to recover my voice. Out of devastation I followed every step, and it did helped! Thanks too bro!

Yong Shuang
for so willingly agreed to be my replacement singer for the night. Though you didnt sing for me, but still, you action has spoke louder than words. I'm grateful to have you as a friend!

Eun Chong
My violinist! Thank you so much for spicing up the atmosphere. You covered alot for me, cz if it wasnt for your great melodies, my perf would appeared more cracky! You're amazingly talented!

Ying Chao
Partner, thanks for the pei pa gou and bread. I knew I can always count on you. Your care and compliments are important to me too =)

Chin Nam
for buying me more chinese medicine and drove me around. You're the best senior ever!

my Bro (Joshua)
for lending to me his expensive and awesome guitar!! the sound of it was just perfect!
The PTUM gang!
Ah K, Teng Hao,YuJie, Wan Yi, Mei Shi,Jun Kang,Ray,Ying Chao,Jeffred,Mei Mei,Mei Yi,Huey Wen,Ke Xin,Siew Fen,Shi Ling ...and all those who didnt came but spiritually supported me...I really LOVE YOU GUYS! I'm not exagerating but really if it wasnt for your LOUD and sincere support, I would have not had so much confidence in me. You guys made me realized that I'm not that bad after all...haha...its just overwhelming to see how you cheered and anticipate this whole thing with me. This competition means alot to me and so are u lovely people!

Eugene Ng (aka Sifu) and Wei Ci (dunno how to spell)
it was a great great great surprise that you actually came! It was a great encouragement too =)

Jess,Lyn Yee,Han Chong,Trista and Sze Hui
You bunch of crazy KMPss...thank you so so much for listening and supported me before this. I really enjoyed hanging out with you guys. and tonight you've shown alot of love to me. Thank you.

MeiYi and Siew Min
My opposite roomates. Thank you for taking your time to come! It means alot to me as well. Next meal is my treat. =)

Cloudfly and Pei Ying
Though you guys dont say much, but I can sense your care for me. Thanks to Pei Ying for advising me what not to eat, and what to eat...haha...and Cloudfly, thanks for being there too. =) Somehow your support encouraged me alot.

Ah Jia,Henna,Chuck
As usual, thanks for being there for me. Nuff said. =P

And also all those who supported and encouraged me. Gosh, I'm running out of vocabulary to use. haha...
I guess no words could really express this overwhelmed heart of mine. I'm just...oh bother....

Most of all, all thanks and glory be unto God. Really, you may not believe, but He made all this happened.
I've experienced so much and grown up a lil more.
I've learned to depend on Him, and know that He is the only one who can make the impossible possible.
Like the lyrics in my song (Kite) ...He is the string of the kite,
holding onto me, keeping me grounded whenever I'm in the storm.

This song is for Him
and truly He made me understand this song even better through this experience.
Truly, I could not write this song without God's help.

******************************************************************************

Tonight
I gained a cracky sexy voice,
recognition and compliments.
Support, love, care, joy,
and a miracle from Dad above 

=) 

Thank You For The Songs

Singing back the song I've written,
its just crazily overwhelming!!
I have no idea those words and melodies could just flow out from me that moment...
Its just as if... it wasn't of my own...

And true it isn't...
its from Dad from above.
Everytime before I write a song I'll usually make a simple prayer,
I pray that God would place his heavenly melodies into my heart...

and there we are...
TaDah! =P

Though I know my song may not sound appealing to some,
but I'm glad that so far many gave credits to those songs.
Many asked " How you wrote all these songs by your own?"
Well, so many times I wished I could answer : "its a gift that He has placed in me"...

But sadly if I do say that, people may not get it...
oh anyhow...

Still, I'm so thankful.
Overwhelmed by gratitude, warmth and peace.
I shall continue to write His tunes,
until the very last day of my life.

Thanks Dad. =)

You're Such A Mystery

All I can see is your shining ray

hitting on my anxious heart bay...

You're such a mystery
Like the sun hidden amidst the clouds
All I can see is your shining ray,
hitting on my anxious heart bay.

I wanna dive in
deeper into that ocean of mystery.
Who are you inside?
Could I ever find myself within the tides?

But the more I push through
the more I'm losing you.......

You're such a mystery
if only I own the key

to unlock that treasure case within...

*unfinished lyrics...

Today was a fairytale-less

I realize,
I have issues when it comes to comparing and competing.
Maybe in a group of people, there seems like no competition,
but inside of me,
I tend to compare with others.

Especially when it comes to things that I do well most...
Acting,dancing and music.

I cant help but to feel that way.
Urgh, how I wish I'm not such a person.

Today,
in my vocal test,
and during my drama performance practise,
I was compared by my teacher and director to other actors.

I got a 'C' for group presentation,
and negative comments from the director.
and also a slight critism from a friend, regarding my coming performance.

This whole Mooncake Festival performance means so much to me,
I was wishing dearly that everyone in CG or UM could come and watch.
I really wish that my friend could understand how important their support is to me...

.......

Throughout the 2 months of our preparation for this perf,
my partner and I had been working so hard to analyse and build out character.
We practise our walking patterns, actions and emotions as well...
though we are just supporting cast, but we still worked our Ass off...
though secretly I wish I could take a leading role, but still I'm grateful for this role.
We seldom receive comments or critism or praises or whatever from the directors......

I was kinda frustrated cz I thought we were kinda...neglected I guess...
See, here comes my comparing attitude...
Then today, out of all the days...on this day where I performed with all my heart,
I finally got critisized.

I wonder I should be happy or sad... *huh...*
Finally some attention from the director, but in the end, he compared us to other characters....
we were just not good enough.

My partner and I was devastated....
I wish I could tell you what we went through in short but its hard...
all I can say is, there was too many uncertainties for our character that we cant build a right character for ourselve...
and now we are being critisized and compared...I'm just...disspointed and confused

I wonder what I did wrong?
I anticipated in every scene, I gave my all...
I throw in all my emotions, as if I really live in that story...
But to the directors eyes, I did nothing....

Same thing,
I acted out everything during my group presentation test...
I thought I gave all my focus and strength....
but in the end... all I get was a 'C' ...
and a cold stare from Miss James....

I wish my friend could come to support me,
but in the end,
I got a bucket of cold splased water on my face...
wow...

I cant stop comparing!
I cant stop feeling jealous and envious!
I cant stop myself from feeling like a loser!

... ... ... ...

But I know I couldnt give up
and feel down.
Let the tears drop however they want...
it doesnt mean that I'm weak and gonna fall...

Instead,
I'm gonna do my double best more...
so I could shock those people and make their glasses fall someday.
This is just the beggining of my fight...
my fight for my passion.

I'm so grateful for a bunch of friends who cared for me.
After 2 months of training, we actors have became like family members.
I was touched by their support and word of encouragements...
there's just so much warmth and support.

They made me believe that I could work this role out...
and they'll be there to help me.

Just as I thought my day would end dreadfully...
they gave a dramatic twist to the ending of the story...

I'm just thankful.

GAMBATAE JOCELYN!!

Enjoy the View

My hometown, Perlis.

A place I'm very proud of.

Despite the absence of the must-have McD and big shopping complex,

I can live without those,

and I love NATURE!

You dont get the magnificent sky view in KL

You dont get the fresh, non poluted air in KL

You dont have to plan your journey an hour ahead to reach to another destination,

there's not much jam,

and food taste good and cheap!

Though KL have something great to offer,

but there are some things it just cant give.

I guess, that's what makes me miss Perlis all the time.

especially the clouds in the sky.

Sit at the rocky beach.

Enjoy the view.

When Will I Ever Learn???

I just dont know what to say....
I'm feeling down and if I post something emo on facebook,
dad would ask me to be more private, friends would further think i'm an emo person,
and he would...maybe not give a damn.

So, I'll just blurt things out in blogger.
Whatever you wanna say about me...
I jus wanna get some release of my feelings here...
so skeptics....back off...

I'm tired of caring about what others might think...
what I say might affect them...
and I have to constantly talk with caution....

I know I sounded a lil selfish here...
but I just hope... I could speak 100% my mind out...in a good way.
I'm just not the kinda person who can put word beautifully in manner...

When I like someone I'll just tell
what's with all the hide and seek games?
When I dont feel nice about something,
if I cant tell it straight to that person, somehow no matter how hard I try to cover,
the disspoinment always slips through my eyes...

Oh when can I stop being such a hipocrite?
when can I learn to speak my mind out...CLEARLY???

When, can I learn that crushes are hopeless
and they meant to make u clash and die hard inside....??

What A Merdeka Day [Part 2]

So...

right after Broga Hill, got invited to join Caleb and the gang on another merdeka outting.

Little did I know, it was actually a photography class!

haha...

But before that we went to grab some roti canai...

which was really good...

like...one of the best I've tasted so far...

too bad there was no pics...

we were all hungry...

ANYWAYS...

it rained! which was such a bummer....argh

so we rode in the car around and around and around the city...

(and the round about for 3 times...thanks to Caleb)

In the end, we decided to go ....

IKEA

And instead of exploring furniture...

guess what???

we played did our photography class there

and played monopoly deal.

.

.

.

What??

yeah...this is how you should react.....=.=

But it was fun times....haha

maybe cz we are all funny ppl???

While Wen Sen taught Robin and Caleb basic photography 101...

Silvia, intensively into her bejeweled game...

click click click....


Then we started out monopoly game.
It was my 1st time playing a card game of it...
very refreshing and interesting.
BUT...I was surviving the game rather than winning it...
guess my heart was somewhere else in papers and ink.

Did some sketches and drawings.
Somehow in a situation which seemed weird and mundane,
I found inspiration =)


Hunting for a place for dinner...
while the guys got carried away with the cams....
I had a great time catching up with Silvia...

She's like a big sis...
we have somethings in common too...eg: we love Criminal Minds!! =D
Most of all, she's someone I can relate to and not feel intimidated at the same time
=) some elder ppl gives me the creeps sometimes...

She's cool =P

Snapped by Caleb...
lol...nice pose there....

I wonder does all photographer really dislike appearing on pics?

Snapping everywhere!!!
even inside the eCurve...but its a norm...
You snap me, I snap you, he snap you....
what a camera love triangle. =D

Finally we settled down at Popeye's...
my husband's restaurant!
haha... =P

Even during dinner...
snaps and monopoly frenzy continued....

... ...
oh boy...what can I say? hehe
*
*
Though we didnt get to go somewhere bizarre or picturesque to snap pics or hang out...
but...it was a fulfilling day....
aiseh.
I had a great time of fellowship with Caleb, Silvia, WenSen and Robin.
Somehow....hanging out with them was different.
I dont know whether it's a compliment or a complaint...

I clearly just felt...like its not what I usually experience
while hanging out with other friends.
haha....sounds kinda creepy saying that...

Anyhow,
I'm grateful and delighted.
The whole 31st of August was a different experience,
a out-of-the-cliche way of celebrating it...
I felt so "merdeka" in me...

Most of all,
despite all the negativity around me,
I'm still thankful to be a Malaysian.
Malaysia is a great country.

Pray for our nation!!