Factory of Faith

Ever had a feeling that you might be most capable of something,
yet its the thing that you want to do the most?
That moment of believing in the odds?

I'm standing in that cross road now.

It's not always easy to accept reviews/comments/opinions from others
which questions your ability to something that you die to accomplish.
Especially when it contradicts to your heart's desire...

Of course from a 3rd person's view provides a wider prospect,
as a Chinese proverbs says "当局者迷，旁观者清"
(literal translation: person in the situation is blur, while people outside the circle sees the big picture...)
In other words, the person involved in the issue has a more subjective view,
while the ppl standing outside might have a clearer/objective POV...

But it's not entirely true. Sometimes, in some situation, only the person involved himself knows what's best and what's true to himself.
Decisions made my oneself may not entirely be rational...

So, now I'm in a situation where a decision is to be made by me...
I'm gonna be honest, I want to sing this shizz badly...
yet without needing to ask anyone, I knew the responds or reaction beforehand...

"Rock song might not suit you..."
"Your tone is more for ballads or folk songs..."
"It's pretty hard for you to pull a rock song well, cz you're pitchy and unstable vocally..."
"There are more suitable and better candidates to pull off this song..."
"You gotta practise hard then..."

Those comments are entirely true. I have a relatively soft vocal and I had some recent shaky vocals, that even a famous music director asked me to take up vocal lesson for God's sake...
I have some weakness when I sing high pitch as I may divert a little...and now i'm joining a freaking huge competition---finals, it seemed like a huge risk to take.
I might be jeopardize the whole song cz of my shaky vocals....

BUT,
that doesn't mean I can't improve.

From the statement made above, I was....infact I am thinking negatively.
A good friend of mine told me "Gotta think positively..."
I gave a cold laugh to myself....cz I know if I were to think positively,
the decision I'll be making is not gonna please everyone.

To think JocelynStemilyn kinda positively:

"Soft vocals cant sing rock song? Please refer to Desert Chang (张悬), Tanya Chua蔡健雅, Marie Digby and the one most people like to compare me to...Penny Tai"
"I'll find a guitarist to play for me, so I'll just concentrate singing"
"With God with me, who can be against me?"
"There are many better candidates, but no one knows this song better like I do..."
"Yesh, I shall freaking practise my ass off for the next 2 months"

It's pretty scary I know...
yeah I'm bipolar...

Am I making an irrational decision?
From a technical aspect, it might be...
From an emotional aspect, it might not be...
I haven't come to very clear state of mind yet,
but what I'm really clear deep down now...I know I can pull this off...

Trust me, I still doubt the heck out of myself...
(told you I'm bipolar...)
but still...gotta trust that little instinct inside me...

Maybe if a year ago, if I decide to sing this song,
I might welcome people to slap me and wake me up from my crazy desire....
because back then I know I was rocky as a wrecking ship...

But today,
I've learned and come a long way....
maybe 365 days doesn't seem long, but I've gone through alot of training.
I guess the most significant growth I've experience vocally is singing in Station One Cafe...

And yeah some people laughed the hell off at S1 singers,
cz it is perceived that S1 singers are lousy....
But personally for me, at least so far I've learned to sing LOUDER
with better projection and stamina.
During the 3rd week singing there, I realized the big difference
and I was astonished....

Why?
Not a big deal right?

Here's the thing, I've always been building my confidence upon other ppl's opinions.
Even though I know God loves me and made me the way I am,
and I've improved walking away from living under people's view of me...
Still sometimes this feeling still grabs the whole out of me.
And when it does, I get to held up I'll fall into a state of depression.

It is that serious sometimes.
Though so, I've also learned to accept criticism and absorb the constructive ones...

ANYWAYS,
back to this singing issue....
I must really thank ah Zau for being a great companion.
He doesn't pamper me with beautiful bombastic praises but he does provide me the reality check.
and supports me still.
It is hard at times cz we might have clashes of opinions but understanding his point of view,
I know what is to be done...
Practise practise practise.
and could have a back up plan.

To you this might be a teeny mini problem,
but to me it's a huge deal of faith to me.
As how much it's gonna test my faith, strength, belief, and etc....

Quote from Red Hot Chilli Pepper's song...
"I got a factory of faith"

Pretty obvious what decision I'm gonna make,
hehe...what a me...
If I ever stumble and fall along the way,
if everyone doubts me,
I shall look to the one who made me
and gave this talent to me...

For all things are possible in Christ
and I believe in miracles,
I believe in Him. =)
He is my factory my faith!

"Tell your friends, I got a factory of faith...."