Monday, December 26, 2011

After 20 years of cliche Christmas,the 21st was...

Had so much time to spare yesterday,
so I came up with this Mistletoe inspired eye make up...
It has been so long since I played with make up since...i dunno when 
it was alot of fun just drawing on my face yet...
looking fab...whee! 

I bet when you read the title you might think of this
Amboih...i'm not a fan but that song is quite nice...

 this make up is my symbol of missing people that you love during this festive season.
Christmas is about sharing,giving and the love of Jesus Christ...
Unfortunately for me, I wasn't able to celebrate this BIG day with close ones..

So, in the beginning I thought "Its gonna be lonely lonely Christmas for me"
and I might as well just squander in self-pity
and probably write some super emo song that might get my some attention on youtube
then who knows...become famous like Zee Avi??? 
The fantasy goes on and on...bla bla bla...

For 21 years of my life, this would be the official 1st time
I'm NOT celebrating Xmas in my hometown, Perlis...
and its also the 1st time I'm not doing performances or organizing anything
(before this I'm always really busy preparing programmes in church etc...)
BUT this year...its like a very relax and empty Christmas for me...
I felt so hollow and lost.
Worst still, my boy went off to a family trip...leaving me behind.

Just to let y'all know, 
I made a terrible prayer last year. 
Since last Christmas, I felt so exhausted and tired of the cliche programmes
and my parents trying to get my do everything in church...
its like the youth who stayed too long in the city has to do everything...
I felt kinda lost for the whole Christmas thingy...
So when I was on the way back to KL,
I made a prayer that by the following year (2011) I wanna have Christmas somewhere else!
Here I was, alone in my hostel. LOL
Be careful with what you wish for people...

But, God is good.
I have friends who have plans to do busking and invited me,
BBQ parties....
and the very very LAST MINUTE,
a text from Henna, my best friend who was back from UK.
wow...I'm not that alone after all.

You gotta understand one thing,
that although I've always seemed to be jolly happy and surrounded by many friends...
I've always have the thought that people just treat me as a sidekick..
you know, like the "kalefe" in the movies of their lives...
I never feel important in somebody else's life...
sometimes even to ppl damn close to me...
I'm still in my rehab process...

that's the secret to how I get my inspiration to write songs. HAHAHA!

Getting to spend my Christmas eve night with Henna and the family
having pillow talks and watching TV,
teasing The X factor USA's host...
etc...I had a simple yet heart-warming Xmas eve.. =) 
The next day, get to spend my Christmas at ACTS church
and the TAN families were there to gather together...
Serene, Henna and I got to gather together too!
Too bad missing out another bestie, Chucky!!
Oh well...
Just chilling out and spending the noon with them was awesome...
Unfortunately, time spent went a lil overboard,
I was late for the busking plan... aiks...
Hope there'll be one for next year.

All in all, 
this is not a very exciting blog about Christmas.
But quite a heart-warming one.
Thank God for great people in my life 
and the love from HIM no matter what the circumstances.
This year, instead of hustling around and getting myself lost in business
I got to slow down my footsteps and reflect back 2011.
Embracing a better 2012.

After 20 years of cliche Christmas,the 21st was extraordinary...
but I still miss my family at this time. ><''

Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Other Side of Me...

Today you've found the other side of me...
You're afraid to see me being like this...its abnormal and torturous...
You hate to see me like this...

You said " I fear you"
in my heart I say "I fear me too"
=(   its not like something I can change within a spin or after a sunrise...
I wish there was a better way.

I fear me...after shutting the doors behind reality...
I hate myself...for faking a smile, a laughter...
I disguised myself with layers of mask, clothings to cover something I'm hiding...
I disgusted my own voice, my own,myself and I...

I'm not some average robotic kind gentle generous gal...
I have my flaws too...
Will you accept me as who I am?
Or will you choose the exit sign?

As I shut the doors behind reality...
I fear to enter my fantasy...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

My Lil Love Life (so far)...

Few more days to go and it's gonna be our 10th month together...
(Seriously it felt like 2/3 months to me only)
Looking back, so many pages flipping by...
I must say we've been through quite alot lately...
There we have the good,bad and ugly times spent together...

Speaking about the ugly...
I remember there was once we really got into a "cold war",
and I've never ever seen him so mad before...
Turning his back against me just made me wanna run back and hug him tight...
Yet sometimes, pride is the factor which held us back...
Pride drew back the magic word "I'm sorry" away
But I really thank God that every time we fought or got into a conflict,
we're able to deal with it as soon as possible...
Each time I could see that he was afraid to hurt my heart and wants to make amends
So do I.
As cheesy as I would say: It was love that brought us back.

There was also the FUN and MANIS times...
From sharing our passion for music, performing, jamming, EATING (you can see how much i've developed in shape) and making funny noises in the car...
Zau is more than anything I can ask for a boyfriend and partner.
He's not just someone who laughs with me,
or do silly dances with me,
but he is like my family.
I'm grateful that he's so supportive in everything I'm doing,
always there to pray and cheer for me...
and he doest not resist to point out my mistakes whenever I'm wrong...
He meant well.

Music was the main factor that brought us together.
I'm always excited to be a part of his performances or practises.
Watching him play the guitar and totally enjoying music really vibes me up!
I love the fact that we pray together backstage before rocking it. =D
Also, I enjoy the times when we watched youtube together (whether its music related or 康熙来了) and exchange thoughts.
Then the best part is jamming out!
From playing rock songs to jamming Beyond's song to singing Faye Wong's ballad,
(though rockers dont really sing ballads but...oh well)
those were great times =) 
I've found not just a good partner, but a music-lover lover. XD

So far this relationship taught me to understand each other,
to discover different sides of us,
to solve conflicts (which I hate for it to ever happen),
to care,
to be supportive,
to strive to be a better companion,
to express my affections not just to one another but to others too,
to get to know myself as well...
most importantly,
I've learned to love.

I know 10 months doesnt mean anything compared to 10 years,
and 10 years is nothing compared to eternity...
That's why I'm hoping for the better to come.
We're still in our baby steps in this relationship, 
yet i'm savouring every bit of it.
Every step is a lesson,
every leap brings growth.
Frankly I'm fearful of what may happen in the future,
but somehow my heart is rest assure that as long as we continue to trust
and work things out....
and lastly put our faith in our Lord Jesus Christ...
This relationship will stand strong through the worst storms.

I heart you silly guy. Meow!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

A Wilted Rose

New leafs will somehow fall to the ground
Red roses will someday loose it's charm
It hard to live a legacy forever
or hold that polite mask infront of you.

Your true colours will be shown

somehow someday anyway...

So much rage and anger within
Oh how could I ever reach your heart?

When two subjective thoughts collide,
who are we to decide?

If the rage continues,
If we would just stay still
Not doing a thing, 
holding aback for each other...
We'll always be like a wilted rose

A wilted rose.

Monday, September 26, 2011


Put on my cherry red dress

and flowery socks 
just to brighten up my gloomy day
Walk in the middle of the rain
just to feel the cool cool shower
Let it wash my sadness away

The sun is gone somehow
oh why are there cloudy clouds?
Are they feeling the same as I do?

Oh come what may
I got my swagger jacket on
Gonna face this world with a winning smile...

My world would never ever be completed
if it's without

You, you, you...
coming through through through
In and out
turning my world upside down
And changed the way I feel

Towards this cold cold cold world
Now I wanna swirl swirl swirl
In the middle of the storm
where all the hurricane falls
down down down down....on me.

Saving the world ain't something easy
but your love will guide me through
You're the only one who can sail my ship
so how ever could I forsake.....

Monday, August 1, 2011

Dont Wake Me Up Tonight

Dont wake me up tonight
I will be sleeping tight
dreaming that I'll be alright

Daisies will bloom for me
Warm wind embracing me
They say that I'm looking amazing

I'll dream of a place unknown
With sweet songs and moonlight glow
Where joy and happiness flow

My boy will be by my side
Say that everything's gonna be alright
His love for me will never be a lie

 *Though I'm wrong
and always made the silly choices
Though I'm weak
and never put things right in place

I'm not perfect
There's always a hole inside my being
But I know I can mend my broken heart
with your love

You can mend my broken heart
with your love...

Dont wake me up tonight,
I'll dream a lil dream of paradise
You will be holding my hand,
and I'll be the best gal alive...

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Holding My Hand

I wanna hold your hand
And count every little step with you
With you
I know it’s a long long way
But you are my sustaining fuel

Maybe somewhere along this road
There’ll be storms and cloudy days
Between us
Maybe sunshine wont stay long
Yet behind every dark sky
Is a brand new day

Baby baby,
We will walk out of this
I want you to be the one next to me
Baby baby,
You got my word in this
I’m not perfect but I’m willing to try
And it’s ok,
I will never slip away
As long as you’re holding my hand.

I never thought my dreams would come true
It’s such a blessing to have you…
To have you …in my life

p/s: Any suggestions for a nicer title? Always have problems titling my songs...Hope to be able to record this into a decent song! Oooo yeah...

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Just Be Yourself

This lovely cat ain't shy of the camera.
Imagine: I'm just using a 18-55mm lens, I gotta go super near to get a close shot. 
It wasn't frighten away or self-conscious,
it stayed the way it likes to be...

see that? miao!

Then it got me thinking...
how many times we are so aware of ourselves,
till we lost it all?
We've been living in the stereotypes,
afraid and shy to express...
being in the cliche...

Yeah, we're living under surveillance all the time..
CCTVs, cameras and even HUMAN CCTVs everywhere...
We've been conformed and tolerate with the things of this world.
Afraid that our inner self would be expose.

Thumbs up for praying cat posture!

Having said so much,
who am I to say all these things?
I'm no different.

Sometimes I wish I live under no one's care.
Being my own.
I'm not saying that we can do whatever we want or become crazy on the road..
Yes, we faced many obstacles that hinder us from soaring free,
I believe if there's a will, there's a way, 
and there's a God who will open the door if we are willing to let him do so.

I'm just wishing that I can be like this cat...
though there are cameras just inches away,
it couldnt careless but to continue chillin'

"Peace out your fellow humans, brrr meeeow!"

Now that's what I call being yourself.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


Its been a while since I post something...
and today I felt so shitty that I have to write something to get things off my chest...

but...I WILL delete this post someday...when i read it back...
ok...I MAYBE will...(welcome to a world of paradox)

Trust, a big issue.
Lying is another crime,
Both of these clashes and never compliment each other...
but often, ppl lie to gain trust...
and many bought the idea.

Sometimes, there are situation where we cant avoid doing so.
To prevent an inconvenient situation,
to avoid fights...and quarrels...
to make someone else feel good.

Many times I wonder...
have I trusted the right person?
am I wrong for lying to avoid something worse that is about to happen?
These 2 issues in my life...are hard to define.
It's like you're trying to explain the feeling after a roller coaster ride...
you're lost for words and all you can say is "My heart almost flew out!"

I'm not specifically pointing out to any event....
it's just something happened, hard enough to make me realize...
that I've been cheating myself all these while.

and I'm shitty 21.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Dont Judge A Photographer By Their Camera

So, I was pretty bored after TITAS exam the other day,
bored of Facebook, Youtube and watching American Next Top Model 
(You could see how BORED I was)

I decided to take my long-abandoned nikon D5000 for a walk.
Snip Snap hour, yay!
While I was at the peak of my excitement,
I met an intimidating photographer.
It was a friendly talk in the beginning but things went a lil spicy after that.
He was judging my ISO settings, my lens (cz i just have kit lens) and when he saw that i was using manual mode, he was like "Wah, you use manual mode arr??!"


 Yeah I get it,
photographers like to show off their skills and what not right?
Ok, maybe not all...
but mostly are those half-bucket-water ones...

Its not that I'm being "small gas" or unreasonable,
but my point is,
just because I'm a girl and I own a D5000 with no additional whatsoever bombastic lens,
it doesn't make me a rich-spoiled-gal who happens to buy a DSLR and treat it like a digital camera. 
I have full respect for it and I dont take it for granted.
and yeah, I know how to use Manual mode too....mind you.
or else why would I ever wanna own a DSLR?

Thanks to him, 50% of my enthusiasm was put off.
I wonder why, but I was pretty upset with his perception of me.
as a photographer, that is.

However, being the noobie, amateurish photographer,
I just walked around and snip snap a few pics...
The varsity lake could be boringly interesting at times....

Here's a  pic that I took
Its like a lady trying to wrap herself up with her robe.

The whole experience was a lesson for me.
To not judge a photographer by its camera.
Sometimes, I do make the same misakes as Mr.Thinks-He's-Better-photographer,
that is to have a judgemental view towards others.

Who knows, they may look like a noobie,
but actually is a pro?
The main point is not just to own great gadgets, or know a bunch of great skills,
but also to snap pics that have quality and touching to the soul.

I better stop ranting.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

This Fragile Being

Feeling so lost...
I've lost all that "moxy" within...
My fingers are running dry,
skin growing dead...

The only nourishing element is my sickening fragile heart...

I'm indeed hard to grasp
insanely insecure
and unforgivably dishonest with my own self...

Ain't living in a bed of roses...
but I know life aint gonna go my way...
still in my baby steps to learn how to compromise,
to be understanding
and knowing how to sing my dishonest being to the world...

Help me Lord,
no one could assure this restlessness but you.
Place your melodies upon my lips,
so that I can write and sing again...

Even if the world turn its back on me,
I know...
I have someone dearly above awaiting to embrace... ...
this fragile being...

Monday, March 21, 2011

Your Smile : )

I wake up in the morning 
listening to the rain sing...
Could you feel my heartbeat darlin'?

Wish that time would just
slow down it's pace
so I could look into your eyes a lil longer.

I know its cliche to say this,
your smile lights the day out of me... 
It's funny to say such words,
as I'm not that die-hard romantic...

But one thing I wouldn't deny is that...
I love your smile,
and all that's within.

(another song undone...hmmm...)

Sunday, March 13, 2011

My First Love

For 21 years of my life,
this is my 1st time being in a relationship.
So much to learn and experience...
I'm excited 
so am I terrified.

Heard too many stories and experience from others...
how they went from lovey-dovey to break ups...
from inseparable to separable...
Many said that after the chase, 
the guys will not be as keen as before once they got you...
so have to "diao ge" (play hard to get)
etc... ...

For the pass few weeks,
indeed I felt like the luckiest gal in the world
(yes, its that cliche to say this when you're in love)
He's been such an angel in my life.
Never felt so blessed and loved by a guy before.
I guess the main reason I gave him THE green light was because
I felt security

He's simple
and insanely funny
I love to watch him laughing at his own silly jokes at times...
which is really really silly!
Sometimes I wonder why I enjoy this(????)

I love the way he does little things to care,
the way he held my hand when we're in the car,
talks about everything without any holding back...
I'm glad that he trusted me,
(and so do I).

He's full of surprises.
(and maybe he knows I love surprises...)
Finally found someone who can actually surprise me out of my expectations...
I guess he must have squeezed all his brain juice out...
(valentines day,when he talked on stage during Dayao...)
that was rather exhilarating...
His love for music is genuine.
Not just to show it off, but savour it even though when no one listens.
Just look at the way he plays his guitar.
If thats not passion, then I don't know how you rate it anymore.

He shows his affection naturally.
After being with him only I realized,
I was after all as shy as any other girl in love.
(which I thought I'll never react like this in my life =.=)
Good thing he is kind enough to take initiative... 

I know to some people,
it seemed like a fast ride for both of us.
But no matter what people may say and judge,
the decision falls into our hands.
Whether we want to take it a step further or let it be,
its up to us.

There are so many examples out there,
but in the end, we decide our own future.
I cant live based on other ppl's opinions and views alone.

I'm a newbie...
or maybe a noobie.
But I believe as long I put my trust in him and God...
we shall overcome the thorns and stones ahead.
I'm not alone in this journey.

People and the world may tell you
things will get worse as time goes by...
... ...

But I believe that
we will get better and better in time. 
I heart you,silly guy! 

Friday, March 4, 2011

Rhythm of Love

I cant tell how much I'm in love with music...
It's like a best friend who understands your every thoughts and emotions
It's like a sweet kiss upon your lips...
something so irresistible and addictive...

Since joining Da Yao ( a song composing unit at my university),
I've learned so much in my music life...
never once I played,sang and dance along with so many music gigs out there before...
and learned so much about music and its beauty...

Some inspired me to be a better musician,
savour every detail of every note...
They showed me how to listen to songs
and worked together as a band/team.

Some inspired me to be a better singer...
to sing with dynamics and emotions....
to convey the meaning and message of the song...
not just merely a tune that spreads out from your tongue...

Many inspired me to share and care...
As we all know, sharing is caring...
Through others I learned to share my knowledge
(though I'm not that pro after all....XD)
and also to sincerely care for one another like a family....

I've really enjoyed myself in this family of music...
we all come from different backgrounds, shapes and sizes...
but music is the main reason we are all together...

Yeah we will face conflicts,
ups and downs...
but I do hope everyone is moving in the same direction and one heart...
that is to share the passion and wonders of music.

As in the lyrics of a song I wrote:
" So no matter who you are, just listen to the rhythm of love"
Truly everyone is different and unique in their own way,
but the same passion draws all of us in the same family...

I'm glad I've made my choice to stay back in Malaysia...
Seems like God's way is so much better than my own way....
I believe Yao Lan Shou is gonna be a huge stepping stone to reach for my dreams in the future...
and there's just so much to learn and offer back!!

I hope I made a difference here...
and hopefully I've blessed someone,somewhat, somehow....

I've always thought the moon out there is rounder and brighter,
but this time maybe I was wrong... =P

Wednesday, February 23, 2011








Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Gift (new song)

I think of you on a summer's day
and all the pretty gifts that you gave
It's like a kiss on my cheek on a valentine's day.
You pull a smile on my face.

You're a gift for all occasion 
for all kinds of celebration.
How I love you.

I wrote this song during lunch time at Subway. This is a song I wrote for an advertisement video for the business competition. 
I know...totally random and out-of-place for me to join such a competition. 
Anyhow, its too late to turn least I'm able to use my talents for this competition right? 
Every word I sing is true. =)

To listen to the song, here's the link:

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Color de Rosa

gracias por la maravillosa rosa


Suppose to be sleeping now...

My mind cant stop spinning and working...

Wish you could bring me out for supper...
as always.

But I guess I gotta control my appetite.
or else we both would end up overweight...

I hope to get some air to breathe
 some space to venture...

Its time to drive on my own
and see how GPS leads the right way.

Either further or nearer...
only time will tell. 

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Kite Metaphor

I love standing at the wide paddy fields,
feeling the breeze and the warm sunshine...
Nothing beats the stillness of the beautiful sight.

I love freedom,
I dislike being tied down and boxed up.
Yet, I'm terrified for the day,
that I will choose to give it up for someone else.

I know many people have been using the kite metaphor 
to write songs all over the world.
I'm not exception and not trying to be a copy cat.
This is just really what I felt.

After flying kite with my sis and her friends,
I realized...I'm really like a kite.
The more you pull the string, the more it will fly higher.

But when you apply tension on the string,
the kite will soar high and steady in the atmosphere.
I'm exactly what it is like.
The more you go against me, the more I would rebel against you.

But with proper tension and guidance,
I would stay firm.
That is how amazing God is to me.
He knows me more than I do for myself.

He kept me rooted and firm on His ground.
So that no matter how incessant I flew in the air,
I'll still be rooted in Him.

could be the secondary string of my kite. 

Oh why am I so melancholic now??
Must be those gastric juice...

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Strings Attached

I dont know what you could see in me...
this rebellious and hard-to-grasp person... ...

I'm like a thin string in one's hand...
I could slip off any moment if you're incautious.

But I thank you for your love and care
for making me a string attached
and not easily detached.

Dont tie me to the ground
and leave me be
I may appear to be a strong one
but one cut could break my nylon thin heart

This tight grip.
keeps pulling me,
from the clouds back to your ground.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Dont Want Today To End

Felt like there's needles poking my glassy heart...
I dont wanna sleep or close my eyes...
I just dont want this day to end...

Simply because...

I dont tomorrow to come.
By then, you wont be around.

Friday, January 14, 2011


I love to hide within the curtains of my hair...
when the fringe start caving in,
covering my bare face...there's a sense of security.

Its a pathetic way to hide away from the world.

Like the ostrich stuffing its head into the ground when troubles come,
Like the how we wish we could dig a hole when everything is going wrong,
Like how people squeeze those earphones into their ears to shut them down from others....

Like them,
I hide my face within curtains of hair.

Such a crappy self-defence.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Baker's Metaphor

It's been a roller coaster ride...
I've been through many rides...
each roller coaster ride get bigger and bigger...
higher and higher....

The momentum keeps increasing...
and so is the pounding of my heartbeat.
(ok,enough with the metaphor)

I'm not writing this post because of something major happened...
I mean,this certain event did lead me to think towards this issue....

Eventhough a baker may not taste the cake he baked...
but as long that cake is appreciated and favoured...
it brings happiness to the customer's life...
Why not?

He may need to damage a few more ovens,
burn some cakes,
break some glasses whatsoever...
All this in the effort for baking better tasting cakes someday.

The baker could have focus on that bad taste of the cake,
but instead, he choose to believe in what he believe:
To be the next BIG BAKER in town.
with the help of his tauke of course....

Dont worry,
this lil rant is just to get things off my chest.
So I could feel much sane...and less insane.

Ok, bad breath is out...
Gotta keep those childish attitude back into the bin...
time to get back to work!
See how lovely my smile is...*ching!*

Where are my baking tools??