Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I'm a Work In Progress

So, I woke on the wrong side of bed today. Received a phone call from Dad, asking me to go back as soon as possible. He was expecting alot from me for the church Christmas programme. Sighs....we kinda got into an unpleasant conversation as I try to explain why I cant go back so soon yet. Anyhow, I feel bad for not being able to divide myself into half and enjoy the best of both worlds. So yeah...9.30a.m was a bad start of my morning...

I have 3 things going on at the same time heck of a time table...
So, being in a rising temper, what would you usually do? Continue to sleep?Eat?Facebook?Youtube??Find someone to talk to?? 
I decided to find someone to talk to...someone whom I've neglected for sometime...God.
Laugh it out..i dont mind but yeah, He is someone I've been hiding in the closet for days. Living in an unhealthy lifestyle, not attending church for 2 weeks...actually made me felt very much disconnected from God. Though He has been blessing me alot these days, but I'm feeling bad for not seeking him hard enough like I used to, I did my devotion today! (somebody say Yeah!! =P )

And BINGO....everytime when I do my devotion...its just so specific and intimate. I know for some of you who do not believe in God/Jesus Christ, you may not get what I feel,but dont worry, it could happen to you someday. =P I'm reading from Ps.Joel Osteen's "Your Best Life Now".
In Ephesians 2:10 " We are God's workmanship,created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do".
We are all uniquely crafted by God...each of us has our own special traits and talents. He sees the best in you and our good moves!

This actually struck me alot.
I've been living in self-condemnation all this while. Though I always self praise saying I"m the prettiest gal in the world,bla bla bla....I'm actually a very low esteem gal. I need alot of encouragement and confirmation from people to feel proud of myself or something I've done. Especially for the song I've written, I usually get so happy when ppl like it although the quality of the sound may not be as good...I based my self-value TOO MUCH on other ppl's feedback. So, whenever there's not enough good respond or there are some harsh critiques on what I've done, I get utterly discouraged. And then I'll fall into a stage of self-condemnation and hatred. I wont usually admit this to ppl or show it too its gonna make me look pathetic...haha....

Anyways, today's message was so straight to the bull's eye. *Hiak!*....hit right to my heart...
 "Your sense of value isnt based on your achievements,how well you perform,how somebody else treats you, or how popular or successful you are. Your sense of value extends from the fact that you are a child of the Most High God."
"As his unique creation, you have something to offer this world that nobody else has, that nobody else can be!"
this is indeed very encouraging...most importantly, it just speaks the hell out of me. Its just like someone giving u a general advice that actually speaks so specifically to your hurting heart. And it gives you the *eureka* moment. Like *ching!* then you awake from a long dream....its just like sleeping beauty waking up from death after the prince kissed her...(ok enough with the drama...HAHA)

I guess after joining Yao Lan Shou (a song writing based music group in UM) expectations for my music has gone from 50% to 101%...haha....after witnessing all those talents from others, my competitive spirit just shoots up. Its not really a Jocelyn kinda mindset though. However, it affects me more than anything. I feel so inadequate, so defeated and lost. Being an impatient person, I just wanna reach to a high level instantly. So I got kinda lost of where to start best cz I wanna find that short cut to "professionalism"...LOL.
In the end, I ended up in frustration and condemn. I was being quite hard upon myself.

And there are also alot of things that made me felt the same...such as my drama studies,relationships (ooo lala) and believe it or not I also cared about my looks....haha...not usually what I would think of...but yeah....
I just wanna be good in everything...greedy greedy gal...

But today God is reminding me that I'm his workmanship...meaning I'm in the process of being crafted. I forgotten that I"m in a process of learning! It takes time and years to reach there. I am a "work in progress". LOL...I shouldn't be so discourage,instead be happy about where I am and keep absorbing what I've learned yesterday and today.God is moving me to greater things,day by day,bit by bit....(Amen to that! Somebody say YEAH!)

Looking back to how far I've gone, from a small town to a huge city...I can't say that I achieved nothing. And I'm grateful for what I have.
I may not see God physically, but all I have around me, all I've experienced and went through, allows me to experience His presence in my life. Its just so real.

*Thank you for loving me despite my rebellious heart.*
May this be an encouragement and inspiration to all you who read this. I hope you're blessed!!

"You may not be everything you WANT to be,
 but thank God that you're not what you USED to be"


ZaU said...


A said...

Jocelyn :) Keep it up girl. Rmb that God loves you and wants the best for you