When the Spark Burns and Emotions Flows

This world is beautiful with colours and sparks

I cant comprehend this feeling of wonder

So much to say, so much to tell,

all I can think of is to make a song

A song of praise

A song of worship

A song of simple melodies

singing freely in my own beat

I dont care what they have to say to me

hmm...

When the spark burns

and emotions flows

How could I ever not let my feelings grow?

Gotta outgrow this stage of my life

and just let the wind,take me...

When the spark burns
and emotions flows

I wanna dance away from the crowd

just with you, 2 in solitude

wont you touch me,hold me

.

.

.

When the spark burns

and emotions flows......

I'm being loved by somebody

=)

HUGS

Hey dad,
how dy? Its 3am and i'm still here awake.
Knowing that i'll only be having 4 hours of sleep for the day, I just dont want to do so.
I hate to admit this but, I actually miss my family.
Its just rare but its true.

I miss the times I play and just be myself with Joie and Joanna,
talking nonsense and playing with dolls.
I miss the times just talking to mom about anything and everything...
I miss discussing and arguing political and scientific views with dad.

I miss my friends too.
More like I miss their company and hugs.
yeah...hugs...
thats my deadliest vice...in a way...
The squeeze, the warmth and love...
it always means a thousand to me...
and I miss that intensity of closeness.

I really hope I could not act independant for a day
and just completely be myself...
And just lie around with someone, spending time talking and lazing around.
I hope I could just hug someone whenever I want to
without feeling insecure or shy.
I hope that hug is secure and assuring.

I wish there's a beautiful sea nearby
so I could swim into the waters and just being sweep by the waters
and feel the warm breeze...
just like my time in Langkawi.
It was beautiful.

But one thing I like about UM...
despite there's no sea in the city...

there's a big lake =)

And there's u dad.

Despite all the changes, u never change.

In the midst of every DESPERATION,

I still have u.

Its funny cz no friend/people could ever settle my raging heart...

only when I pray to u.

In the midst of HUNGER and PAIN

u showed me the twist and turns in every story...

reminding me that every situation happens for a reason.

Even when things dont make sense,

it actually does make sense. =P

Though I cant see u,

I KNOW u are here and u're hugging me.

Though u are not literally doing it

but i could sense u're hugs so vivid.
U are here.

Thank you for being a great friend and father.

I love you

Revelation...

A friend told me
" When I read ur blog, seeing u ranting and being emotional....I feel like punching u on the face...*laughs*"
Sounds like a joking manner huh?
I was greatly offended.

Yes, I am emotional. Who isn't?
Everyone is just emo in a diff level and magnitude...
Everyday, I have to put on a smile, whether its faking it or really meaning it..
I cant really show worries and sadness to many cz I just dont have the RIGHT person for me to talk to...
So, blog is the few only places for me to BLURT everything out. SO yeah, it's gonna be more alot of inner thoughts and feelings.
Please, for u friends whose reading this...please, dont say that to me. Even if u feel that way, say it in a better manner. I admit I cant take such straight fowardness...

Anyways,
as nowadays I'm struggling with solidarity times...today I realize, it no longer is a burden to me.
I realized, that I actually need it.
I wasn't listening to myself and God all this while.
I'm always around ppl, around noises, around the crowd.
I listen to others...I follow them...
and I was loosing myself.

Really.

Lately these days, doing my quiet time with God is very diff.
I can listen to him loud and clear.
We made a promise that I shall take my mind off the going overseas issue for a week,
and we shall have a closure on wednesday ( which was yesterday).
Yesterday, God was clearly telling me to NOT WORRY, and to just play my part.
Do more research on other uni while I excel in my UM life,
and he'll take care of the results.

It was a totally diff experience I have with Him than b4.
While most of my floor mates were off to class this morning,
it was just silent in the bathroom....
Initially I thought "Well, another lonely day..."
and immediately I could hear him saying " Child,you need this. I want you to listen"
That voice brings a stream of warmth to me as it overcame the chillness of the cold shower.
I couldn't exactly explain the whole situation cz its more than words that I could describe.
All I know is that, I finally realized this whole transition process did not jsut happen...
while others could find clicks and close friends around and I'm vice versa...
I finally knew why.

Its not that God dont wants me to have friends so he can talk to me 24/7.
I have nice friends around, but I travel alone alot...which was not a common thing for me back in Perlis.
This semi solidary life has its purpose and timing.
Now I know.

Everyday while I walk pass the lake,
along the bricked pathway in the midst of trees...
that precious time of solitude is a time with God.
Being with/ talking with Him has always been peaceful and wonderful.
Maybe some might not understand this, bt its very real.

I'm just grateful...and touched.
Nothing happens by purpose/accident.
I know, I know maybe in the future i'll start ranting about being too busy
or wear out cz of the buzzling activities...
and I may get negative again...

But God is good and he deals with us patiently
He'll open up the curtains infront of our blinded eyes to see things
in a bigger picture.
I'm just so grateful that Father would bring me lesson by lesson so patiently
and lovingly.

Today is no exception.

May u be bless reading this.

As I read this through twice...so am I. =)

Semi Solitary Life

Sitting in the library,
alone sitting on the red squared couch,
reading love novel "Dear John" by famous writer Nicholas Spark...
For a minute I raised my head and realized...
this really isnt me.

Jocelyn is the kind that is loud,
surrounded by friends, seldom alone except during her sleep,
reading the latest camera magazines...
For that instance I was surprised,
why would I walk in the library alone to read such a novel in the 1st place???

Since coming in to University Malaya,
I learned to build a wall between me and people.
Its not a good thing, but it aint bad too.
I was too naive before to allow people to manipulate and take advantage of me,
now I have to learn to be firm but gentle at the same time.
So that I wont be exploited.

But building a wall is not easy either.
I cant help myself to stop talking about me..the inner me....
I guess i'm just hoping that someone would understand me...
someone would at least CLICK (there i use that word, which i try NOT to use...)
someone who would share the joy and sorrow...

I'm facing a major crossroad in my life.
Whethere I should continue pursuing greener pastures in overseas,
or should i just be contented?

But seriously, I"M NOT...
One time of a let down aint gonna break my dream off...
Im still on a fight...
but this fighter needs a willing ear to listen to her cries...
just somebody to offer a warm hug.

I need somebody who I'm not afraid to show my own flaws.

Dont get me wrong, I'm not being anti-social
but in this new perspective of my life,
I'm beginning to learn to be socially independent.

learning to lead a semi-solitary life

Finding my Roots

I'm so glad that God is always faithful. He truly watches out for me.

I was so pissed. Pissed about many things. For not being good enough, for being a jealous whore over anything and everything, for not doing enough for my besties...for being IMPERFECT among the imperfects. I was disapointed with myself.

And, I feel like I'm losing myself again. Going back to the depress old days again. But just 15minutes ago...as I was skeptically flipping through my devotional book (ah,bad role model) , today's passage strongly caught me offguard.

Started with proverbs 27:8 " Like a bird that wanders from its nest, so is a man who wanders from his place"

Pastor Kevin Loo (author of this book) mentioned
"Whenever you are at a point of losing yourself, stop to think and pray. Speak to God. Nothing can be as dangerous as a man who cannot find his way home. Once you have drifted away from home/God, you will find yourself drowning in exhaution,depression and security (oh geez...bang!!)

"Always come back to the Father for He is your source of identity and security.Be at peace for you have found your home in the Lord. He always believes in you no matter what you have done."

At that moment...I realized how wrong I was to let my anger overtake me. But it happened for a reason cz I learned my lesson. Cant help to feel so overwhelmed and touched by His teachings. God was talking to me through his words, so clearly and plain to see...like the sharp sword piercing through *shing! ...ok enough with the drama...=.=

Lol...I just dont know how to express my gratitude now. I'm just so thankful and happy now.
Truly, I dont deserve to get such attention and love but still He gave. Haha...sounds cliche huh? but its from my heart. I'm just overwhelmed. huhuhu~

Uni's activity is gonna get the best of me...I believe i'm gonna be wear out if I dont watch my steps, its so easy to be drifted away. So, i'm gonna hold on tight to my roots while I fly...at least I know I'll land on the right spot even if I fall down.

Thank you father, its such a blessing tonight. =)

Getting Back Up. Refresh.

Finally back to bloggie...hmm pretty nice name to name it...bloggie...=P

Well, after the incident falling from cloud 9, i guess i should give some updates here...
Sadly, dad decided to not let me go to US...and we all know cz it's the financial problem. But one thing mom told me really strucked my heart. Am I mature and well enough to take care of myself?? Of course i'll tell them I can handle things myself...but as I'm starting my new life here in University Malaya, I realized there's a lot of stuff I cant be independent. Especially emotionaly.

Well, living in a not so clean environment is ok for me. I dont scream till the rooftop blows off when i see cockroaches...Im ok with eating malay food which rotates menu from week to week...i'm independent physically....BUT NOT emotionaly.

I'm just very sensitive to human relationships. A stare, a smile, a wink, a handshake, a glance....it speaks a thousand words to me. And my imaginaition factory up in the brain will start producing "films"....I get very self concious, nervous and anxious of what ppl will think about me. I seem to fail to learn about the "I dont care" theory in life. =/ I just...cant help it but to be sensitive to ppl.

So, imagine: Now I fly to US, land in michigan, enters Spring Arbor University, mixing with a lot of whites and blacks around. Cultures and customs are totally diff from the conservative Malaysian background. Ppl talk and behave in a diff manner......I dont know about you, but for me, in my imagination, I may get an emotional breakdown and go hysterical!

HAHA...no not really. But I think the emotional stress in human relationships will be tougher on me. And at that moment, I"ll definitely miss home alot...and I'll finally acknowledge that dad was right all along.... SO yeah, as much i hate to admit this, i'm not prepared for US ...YET! =P There's so much moulding and stretching to be done in me.

God is a great director. He directs our lives in a very unexpected way. Ppl always say, if they predict what is the next scene, then that movie is a lame one....Same, if we know what God is going to do next in our lives, it's gonna be...BORING! He gives us some clues about what the next scene would be...just not exactly whats gonna happen. It's up to us to analyse and take the right steps. I...have to learn to take a step back and relax.

I'm very clear with my calling. But the road in the middle is blocked with a big bunch of mist. I cant see whats the next path. Guess, i'll have to wait for a lil longer for the wind to blow the mist away so i can see clearly...sighs....patience is one deadly killer..... =/

Another dilemma is...where should i head next? Some thinks I should just spend my 3 years in UM, mom believes Taiwan is a place for me to develop, I personally wanna learn more in US...So where's next? Only God knows. and I'll have to W-A-I-T.

Maybe there's a reason for me to stay back another semester here in Malaysia.

There must be...

Falling From Cloud 9

Its been some time since i updated my blog...
and i'm feeling guilty cz i only come back here whenever Im down
and so is today.

I lost my scholarship to US.
I know when i say this my dad would be mad at me cz I've always been very open in the net...like spilling all the beans on the internet platter...
but this one is not private.
Its something I dont wanna be ashame of.
Its something I wanna share with the whole world.

Previously I'd share my excitements and joy about my acceptance into Spring Arbor University,
and now I would love to share my dissapointments and sorrow of not getting the chance to US.

Its gonna be...a tough time for me.
but i believe I'll get there some day. Its just a matter of time.
Gotta brush off the agony and bitterness in me.
You should know that I need time to get back up...
and i'm not gonna give myself too long to drag myself back from cloud 9...

Despite how unprepared I am to enter local uni,
I have to pack up my emotions and start a new life ahead.

You go girl...